G&O_SWM_iTunes_600x600_FINAL_WEB

Slippery When Moist

Released February 7, 2012 on our label, No One Buys Records.
    • 1
    • Wow
    • :35
    • You, yeah you, you're really cool
      You can be anything you wanna be
      Time to fly, I'm talking to you
      No habla Espanola si
      Move forward, stand your ground
      Hang in there while you're doing it
      And sail away into the sunset, baby

      Dream your dreams into the sky
      Oh yeah, you've really got it yeah
      Now you've really got it, yeah
      Hey, you've really got it, yeah
      Don't stop being cool
    • 2
    • Go Kart Racing
    • 2:04
    • Get on my go kart, strap myself in
      Rev up the engine, let the fun begin
      Put my foot on the gas and I'm outta the gate
      But the faster I go, the more the metal vibrates

      My body's tingling from my head to my toes
      But the thing that's really buzzing, I hope nobody knows
      'Cause I'm feeling kinda funny in a biblical way
      God damn, it's shaking hard on my Georgia O'Keeffe bouquet

      I never guessed this trembling machine would
      Turn the motor on under my hood

      Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
      Go kart racing, mechanical self-fornicating
      Go kart racing, no stopping 'til I cross the finish line

      Shifting gears, I can feel my heart throb
      Hope nobody notices I'm getting a lube job
      Don't need no gentleman to start my engine
      'Cause I can even feel a little rear suspension

      Trying to cover up my scandal like I'm Goldman Sachs
      But shit is getting real on this indoor track
      I'm about to go blind and I feel like a creep
      'Cause it's pressing on my horn like beep beep beep

      Now my driving is getting erratic
      'Cause this transmission is automatic

      Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
      Go kart racing, mechanical self-fornicating
      Go kart racing, no stopping 'til I cross the finish line

      If the fruit is ripe, you might as well pluck it
      Was gonna slow down, but then I thought fuck it
      No one look at me, 'cause this is it
      Green flag, go, go, holy shit

      Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
      Go kart racing, mechanical self-fornicating
      Go kart racing, no stopping 'til I cross the finish line
      Key change, key change

      Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
      Go kart racing, mechanical self-fornicating
      Go kart racing, no stopping 'til I cross the finish line

      Hallelujah, Amen
    • 3
    • I Don’t Know Who You Are
    • 2:00
    • You say hello
      And I say hello back
      You say it's nice
      To see me again, crap
      This conversation just keeps going
      Wanna get through this without you knowing
      You can see it in my eyes
      My calculating bullshit lies
      You look at me so appalled
      'Cause I don't recognize you at all

      Now am I an asshole or are you just boring?
      'Cause one of these two things must be true
      Am I self-absorbed, preoccupied and shockingly cunty
      Or is there just nothing memorable about you?

      Well even if I'm arrogant and totally suck
      I'm still betting on the latter 'cause you're bland as fuck

      I don't know who you are
      I don't have a freaking clue
      So get a catch phrase, get an accent
      Fuck your face up with a tattoo
      Okay so fine, so now you know that
      I don't know, so now you know that
      I don't know, so there you go
      You don't even look a little familiar to me
      And I blame you
      I blame you

      I'm willing to bet
      This happens to you a lot
      This can't be the first
      Blank stare that you've got
      You're a sand-filled desert without a mirage
      You're a Honda Accord in a parking garage
      You're camouflage on camouflage
      You're a dumb white guy on Entourage
      You've chosen no form of expression
      Yet expect to make an impression

      Now am I a shithead or are you just bleh?
      Hey, I think that question is pretty fair
      Now you're looking at me like I just drop-kicked a baby
      But I won't remember you anyway, so I don't care

      You're overwhelming averageness is such a drag
      So fix the situation or wear a name tag

      I don't know who you are
      Not even a little bit
      So carry nun chucks, adopt a black kid
      To make people give a shit
      Okay so fine, so now you know that
      I don't know, so there you go
      You don't even look a little familiar to me
      And I blame you
      I blame you
      I blame you
      I blame you
      And I blame you
    • 4
    • Handjob, Blandjob, I Don’t Understand Job
    • 3:27
    • Hand job, bland job, I-don't-understand job

      I got a problem and I can't contain it
      I'll use my icky-sticky rhymes to help me explain it
      Handy jays are line Stonehenge to me
      Robert Stack can't even unsolve this mystery

      I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer
      I was in the gifted class, but a total late bloomer
      Now I got a secret to get off my chest
      Went from kissing to sex but never learned the rest

      In high school, I was in the marching band
      Not learning what to do with my hand
      While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock
      I blossomed later than Miyam Bialick

      I'm investigating bones like Deschanel
      Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chapelle
      When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick
      I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick

      I sutdied Back, Jacques Chirac, and Issac Asimov
      But I wasn't on the ski bus jerking people off
      Would let you touch my chest like you're Vapor Rubbin' Vicks in
      Let alone deep throat your tricky Dick Nixon

      I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow
      I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know
      How to H J your L.B. Johnson
      Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson

      I should've explored new frontiers like Wil Wheaton
      But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton
      I've fallen into crisis just like the Dow
      I wanna give a handjob but I don't know how

      Hand job, bland job, I-don't-understand job
      Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top
      How can I learn when you always make me stop?

      Now I'm on a full-blown investigation
      To unlock the secrets of ejaculation
      I need a translator like I'm reading Balzac
      To crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack

      The top is the part that confuses me the most
      It looks like a Silly Putty Pac Man ghost
      Sometimes it's Jell-o jiggling, sometimes it's denser
      But they all like like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser

      Like Sam Jackson, I'm not as good with shaft
      When it's soft and flabby like President Taft
      It's like a deep south queen that you wanna make straight
      Will I make it upright if I move it like a Shake Weight?
      Move it like a Shake Weight, move it like a Shake Weight

      Now I'm pumping like brakes that aren't anti-lock
      Trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock
      I go a little faster and then I retard
      It's like a hamster that you don't wanna squeeze hard

      I'm working my hand 'til it gets arthritis
      I'll be holdin' 'til I get the golden touch of Midas
      "I think. Therefore, I am," getting my Descartes on
      'Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on

      But the biggest, throbbing question of all's
      Seriously, what do you do with the balls?
      Do I roll 'em like dice? Do I mold 'em like clay?
      Do I tickle 'em like Elmo or throw 'em like a partay?

      Do I move 'em all around or cup it slow?
      They're the two bald critic puppets from the Muppet show
      Just sitting there cranky and superfluous
      How 'bout I don't touch them unless you insist

      Hand job, bland job, I-don't-understand job
      Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top
      How can I learn when you always make me stop?

      How can I learn when you always make me stop?
    • 5
    • Save the Rich
    • 2:47
    • Everyone knows these times are really tough
      And we need to band together and say we've had enough
      All the jobless people need to learn to be content
      'Cause what we need to do is protect our one percent

      Save the rich, let them know you care
      Don't leave them to languish in their penthouse of despair
      Save the rich, let their bonuses be swollen
      And let them keep it all tax free, even if it's stolen
      Save the rich

      Let's give our job creators more than their fair share
      So they can go to Asia and create jobs over there
      There's loopholes and exemptions and children to exploit
      So give them special tax breaks, go fuck yourself, Detroit

      And those who don't create jobs really need help too
      'Cause without their seventh home, how will they make it through?
      It's not time for complaining, Not the time for class war
      It's time to sacrifice yourself to give them more and more and more and more and more and more

      Save the rich, America's built on corporate green
      It's not Wall Street's fault if you can't get what you need
      Save the rich, don't go crying to Mommy
      'Cause if you don't agree, then you're a socialist commie
      Save the rich

      Blame yourself for your problems,
      Not the bad economy
      So what if those who have the most are the
      Ones who put it in jeopardy?
      Fuck your student loans
      Fuck your kids and their health care
      It'll only take ten thousand of your jobs to
      Put another private jet in the air

      Save the rich, it's so easy to do
      Just let yourself be ignorant to what's been done to you
      Save the rich by doing nothing at all
      Deny all sense and logic and just think really small
      You should think really small, or just don't think at all
      And save the rich
    • 6
    • Hey Girl in the Moonlight
    • 1:21
    • Where do I look when someone's serenading me?
      I look 'em in the eyes and it feels really awkward
      Am I supposed to stare at him the entire song?
      If I look away, will he know I'm bored?

      Can't he just look beyond the horizon
      Like a cowboy in a Folgers commercial
      Or close his eyes like he's feeling real deep
      So I can close my eyes like I'm going to sleep

      Hey girl, hey girl, hey girl in the moonlight

      Why doesn't he break eye contact?
      Doesn't he feel stupid singing at me like that?
      He plays guitar as well as me
      And that's not saying much
      He sings like he's in nineteen eighty three
      Like Richard Marx, but tough

      Hey girl, hey girl, hey girl in the moonlight, everybody
      Hey girl, hey girl, hey girl in the moonlight

      Where do I look when someone's serenading me?
      I look 'em in the eyes and it feels really awkward
      Hey girl in the moonlight
    • 7
    • The Ex-Boyfriend Song
    • :06
    • One, two, three
      I fucking hate you, you fucking liar
    • 8
    • Silver Lining
    • 1:49
    • You gotta get up in the morning
      No matter what happened last night
      He ripped your heart out without warning
      But there's only one thing to do
      No matter what you're going through

      Get up out of bed
      Right foot, left foot moving
      Get out of your head
      Soon, you'll be improving

      You'd see the sun outside is shining
      If you would only open up your eyes
      Haven't you heard of the silver lining?
      And if he never felt that way
      Why would you want him to stay?
    • 9
    • I Would Never (Have Sex with You)
    • 2:25
    • Uh one, uh two, uh three, four, five, six!
      Remember the time we went out to dinner,
      you and I alone,
      we ate some french fries

      Let's do it again

      Remember the time we went to the movies,
      laughed so hard we cried,
      then we ate more french fries

      Let's do it again

      'Cause I really like you as a friend
      But there are things I can't pretend
      Know I could love you 'til the end
      But there is just one problem, problem, problem
      (there's a bigger problem, problem, problem)

      I would never have sex with you
      Believe me, you'd know it if I wanted to
      already would have shown my boobs to you
      (already would have gone down on you)
      But that will never happen

      Remember the time we stayed up all night talking,
      let our secrets out until the sunshine
      Let's do it again

      Remember the time we went to Dave and Busters,
      Dance Dance Revolutioned 'til we won a keychain
      Let's do it again

      This shouldn't come as a surprise
      You should have seen it in my eyes
      I kinda like some other guys

      But No amount of alcohol could change my mind at all
      Our lips will never touch,
      so kiss that thought good bye
      'cause I would never have sex with you

      Believe me, you'd know it if I wanted to
      I already would have held hands with you,
      but that will never happen
    • 10
    • Google
    • 2:40
    • The sky isn't blue and the ocean's not grand
      And string theory's easy to understand
      The grass isn't green and the sun isn't bright
      Healthcare will be resolved over night
      The world isn't round and the Buddha's not Zen
      And we both have really good taste in men
      And there really is a Black Forest Land
      Where everyone gets all their ham
      And I swear, I fucking swear I didn't Google you

      Okay, I did - I admit it. It was so easy to do
      Seven thousand eight results and I know everything about you
      You're not a sex offender, but you failed home ec in 1997
      It really isn't that weird, come on we're all adults here

      Everybody Googles each other
      Everybody does their Facebook research
      It's how we get to know one another
      To make sure that we don't get raped

      I don't have any mental disorder
      And I don't spend my weekends watching Law and Order
      It takes forever to get in my pants
      This old-fashioned girl likes romance
      I am not fearful of being alone
      And Zach Morris had a really small phone
      Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
      Cell phones in the eighties
      And I swear, shit fucking swear I didn't Google you

      Okay, I did - I admit it, and I know that you Googled me too
      How else would you have know that my dog contracted herpes
      Sing it again 'cause this melody feels really good to sing
      Stop pretending it's taboo like masturbation in the fifties

      Everybody Googles each other
      Everybody does their Facebook research
      It's how we get to know one another
      To make sure that you're not in porn

      I do not mean to be jealous already
      But who is that girl in those pictures, she's pretty
      I think you may have dated her
      Or maybe she's your lesbi-friend
      I see that you got really drunk on your birthday
      Was it sadness related or were you just thirsty?
      I do not mean to make judgements now
      But if we date, some things will have to change

      Everybody Googles each other
      Everybody does their Facebook research
      It's how we get to know one another
      To make sure that you don't have cats
    • 11
    • I Would Never (Dissect a Ewe)
    • 2:34
    • Remember the time we were in biology class
      We had to grow a plant
      To learn photosynthesis
      Let's do it again
      Remember to time we learned C H N H H
      C double O O H R
      Or a Carbohydrates
      Dissolves faster than a lipase

      'Cause I really like to learn about science
      And I think killing frogs is fine
      But my lab teacher crossed the line
      When he gave us all sheep's eyeballs

      I would never dissect a ewe
      Believe me, I'd slice it if I wanted to
      I already would have ripped its face in two
      But that will never happen

      Remember the time we saw the nitrogen cycle
      A study of root nodules
      In legumes
      With or without rhizobium
      Remember the time we studied homologous chromosomes
      DNA replication
      Led to mitosis and meiosis
      Followed by a division of a cytoplasm

      'Cause I really like to learn about science
      We opened up that pregnant cat
      And the fetal pig was cooler than that
      But some things are disgusting

      I would never dissect a ewe
      Believe me, I'd incise it if I wanted to
      I already would've turned its hooves to glue (you woulda liked it!)
      But that will never happen

      No amount of alcohol
      Would sterilize it all
      When I was five, I went to a petting zoo
      And that sheep face will haunt me (sheep ghost) ('cause)

      I would never dissect a ewe
      Believe me, I'd slice it if I wanted to
      I already would have

      Punched it in the face then (Looked at in a jar like I was)
      Asphyxiated it with its own (In the movie Fast Times at)
      Intestines and hung it from a (Ridgemont High then I'd throw)
      Basketball hoop to drain it (Up because my character's)
      (Had an abortion)

      But that will never happen
    • 12
    • My Apartment’s Very Clean Without You
    • 2:16
    • I work 'til my kitchen is spotless
      In hopes that my mind will be thoughtless
      I put everything in its rightful place
      It's true, my apartment's very clean without you

      Got an extra key to my door now
      Your underwear's not on my floor now
      No more Hendrick's or beer or cigarette butts
      It's true, my apartment's very clean without you

      There are children starving in Africa
      Genocide in Darfur
      But the thing that really makes me sad
      Is your toothbrush is not in my drawer
      Yes, it's true
      My apartment's very clean without you

      I sweep away the mess with my mop and broom
      No sound of sports from the other room
      I found "The Last Boy Scout" and threw it away
      It's true, my apartment's very clean without you

      I can stay up all hours and write now
      No snoring keeping me up at night now
      No alarm to wake me at six A.M.
      It's true, but my new bed feels too big without you

      The economy's crumbling around us
      And the whole world's getting too hot
      But the thing that really makes me sad
      Is the pair of socks you forgot
      Yes, it's true
      My apartment's way too clean without you

      My couch is just a couch
      My room is just a room
      My home is just a house
      Without you

    • 13
    • Go
    • :43
    • Hey, wake up, your time is now
      You'll miss it if you wait too long
      Name your dream, say it out loud
      Shout it and tell the world what's going on
      If you can't, just say it inside
      And someday that whisper will be amplified

      Take what's yours, it's only for you
      But you have to do it on your own
      The only thing harder than living your dreams
      Is knowing you're living without them

      Get on course, do it yourself
      It's better if you do it, yeah
      So you better do it, yeah
      Yeah, you better do it yeah
      Go live your dream
51VYGFRZy1L._SL500_AA280_

All Over Your Face

Garfunkel and Oates first full-length album, released February 1, 2011, on their label, No One Buys Records.
    • 1
    • You, Me and Steve
    • 2:01
    • Candlelight and moonlight all around us
      I look into your eyes
      You hold my hand underneath the table
      And I can’t disguise the way I feel

      I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
      For this night I can’t believe
      That it’s finally me and you and you and me
      Just us, and your friend Steve

      Dododododo Steve Dodododoo leave
      What’s the deal with your friend Steve
      Oh hey, how's it going

      You took me out for waffles and to the movies
      I was hoping for romance
      You even took me to the Mexican circus
      I thought there was a chance we’d be alone

      I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
      For Steve to disappear
      What the fuck's your fucking problem
      Why’s he always here

      Dododododo Steve Dododododo go away
      What’s the deal with your friend Steve
      Oh hey, how's it going

      It’s not that I don’t like your friend
      But how many hours with him can you spend and
      It’s not that I don’t think he’s great
      But its only you, only you, I wanna felate

      Are you gay for Steve I think you may be
      And that would be alright
      But let a bitch know just what your steez is
      So I know if I should shave tonight

      I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
      'Cause I like to be with you
      But if it’s always me and you and your friend Steve
      There’s nothing I can

      Dododododo Steve Dododododo
      Why don't you just go be with your best friend
      And boyfriend Steve
    • 2
    • Weed Card
    • 1:56
    • Everyone knows marijuana’s dangerous
      And medical pot is really strong
      That’s why it's so hard in California
      To get your weed card
      Unless something’s really wrong

      Gonna pay a visit to my doctor
      It’s a long shot but I gotta try
      She hands me a list of all the ailments
      I can have to qualify
      Can’t believe what I am reading
      This is just what I’ve been needing
      A government supply
      To get legally high

      Weed card, that’s what I need
      Hardly ever, okay, always
      But it’s not an addiction
      'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

      You can get your card for having headaches, bad dreams or anxiety
      Propensity for drugs or alcohol,
      Anorexia or obesity
      Too fat, too thin, either way you win
      Carpal tunnel syndrome, color blindness,
      St-st-stuttering, t-t-tooth decay
      Fatigue, depression, motion sickness,
      Impotence or TMJ
      You can smoke to quit cigarettes
      For asthma or your motherfucking Tourette’s
      It’s a dream come true
      There’s nothing pot can’t do

      Weed card, that’s what I need
      Hardly ever, okay, always
      But it’s not an addiction
      'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

      Got back pain need Mary Jane
      Can’t handle this, need cannabis
      Got a stomach ache, gotta wake and bake
      Have an injury, need THC
      Get fucked up for your Hyperhidrosis
      Which is sweaty palms in case you need a diagnosis
      It’s not a crime, it’s 4:20 time

      Weed card, that’s what I need
      Hardly ever, okay, always
      But it’s not an addiction
      'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription
    • 3
    • Pregnant Women are Smug
    • 2:24
    • Pregnant women are smug
      Everyone knows it, nobody says it
      Because they’re pregnant

      F-ing son of a gun
      You think you’re so deep now
      You give me the creeps now
      That you’re pregnant

      I can’t count all the ways how
      You speak in clichés now

      Riki: So, do you want a boy or a girl?
      Kate: Oh, it doesn't matter, as long as it's healthy.
      Riki: Really? Because I don't feel like those two things are related at all. It's not like one or the other-
      Kate: No, no, no, no as long as it's healthy... hmmmm….

      I can’t wait to hear someone say
      Don’t care if it’s brain dead
      Don’t care if it’s limbless
      If it has a penis

      'Cause pregnant women are smug
      Everyone knows it, nobody says it
      Because they’re pregnant

      This zen world you’re enjoying
      Makes you really annoying

      Riki: So, is it a boy or a girl?
      Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
      Riki: What are you gonna name it?
      Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
      Riki: Who's the father?
      Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.

      Bitch, I don’t really care
      I was being polite now
      Since you have no life now
      That you’re pregnant

      You say you’re walking on air
      You think that you’re glowing
      But you had been ho-ing
      And now you’re pregnant

      You’re just giving birth now
      You’re not Mother Earth now

      Riki: Yeah, I have a lot going on: I got my degree, I moved, I wrote a novel-
      Kate: Gosh, everything just seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.
      Riki: I also built a nuclear fusion reactor-
      Kate: You know, I can't even remember what I did before I was pregnant, everything just seemed so meaningless… Mmmm…

      Pregnant women are smug
      Everyone knows it, nobody says it
      Because they’re pregnant

      F-ing son of a gun
      You think you’re so deep now
      You give me the creeps now
      Now that you’re pregnant
    • 4
    • Gay Boyfriend
    • 2:57
    • Got a man, call him my boyfriend
      Think I’m falling in love
      The only man that gives me the things
      That I am worthy of

      Hugs me and holds me, kisses me softly
      Calls me back right away
      Communicates his feelings to me
      And cares what I have to say

      He says, "Baby I love you, baby I need you,
      Never gonna let you go"
      Writes me love notes, takes me shopping
      And to Broadway shows

      Talk to him like he is a girlfriend
      Slumber party every night
      Never been so happy before
      He’s almost Mr. Right

      But I think he’s hot and I think he’s sweet
      And I think he’s gay and I think he’s neat
      Okay okay said my boyfriend’s gay
      But what does it matter anyway
      He hasn’t come out of the closet yet
      'Til then I’ll take all I can get

      He doesn’t think I know but I know
      I know I’ve always known
      He doesn’t think it shows but it shows
      For sure it’s always shown
      You might think it’s a little sad
      But he’s the best lover that I’ve ever had

      At night when we’re lying in bed he’s not hard
      It’s okay 'cause he gives me head
      Like my mom always said, "It takes more
      Than a pound to be good in bed"
      You don’t know the meaning of rock your world
      'Til you’ve been with a guy who thinks like girl

      He lies and says that he’s on meds
      That’s why he’s never stiff
      When I ask if he’s not into me
      He always says, “As if!”

      But the way he makes up for shortcomings
      Just could not be finer
      'Cause my new best friend is his tongue
      And his is my vagina

      He reappears from under the covers
      Lookin' like he’s been to war
      He’s drenched in sweat he catches his breath
      Then he heads back down for more

      Afterwards he’s never tired
      He just wants to talk
      And cuddle me until I sleep
      Then he takes his dog for a walk

      Someday he’ll come out and I’ll be happy for him when he does
      But I know I’ll be sad and I'll be thinking of what was
      Someday this fairy tale will come to an end
      'Cause his fairy tail will find a like-minded friend

      He doesn’t think I know but I know
      I know I’ve always known
      He doesn’t think it shows but it shows
      For sure it’s always shown
      You don’t need no penetration
      When you got a good dose of overcompensation

      At night when we’re lying in bed he’s not hard
      It’s okay 'cause he gives me head
      Like my mom always said, "It takes more
      Than a pound to be good in bed"
      You don’t know the meaning of slot machine
      'Til you’ve been with a king who thinks like a queen

      I know it's not forever but that's okay
      'Cause I'm his girlfriend, and he's my gay
    • 5
    • Fuck You
    • 2:29
    • I’ve got too many questions in my mind
      And I’ve got too many answers to find

      Can I give up all I’ve imagined?
      Am I imagical enough for this to happen?

      Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
      And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
      Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you

      Can I be the man you’re looking for?
      Can I be your girl forever more?

      I’ll try real hard not to lose her
      I’ll try to be less of a loser

      Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
      And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
      Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you… fuck you

      (flute solo)

      Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
      And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
      Sure as the stars above I’d really like to

      Riki: Kiss you, squeeze you, kiss you, rip you, kiss you, rape you, kiss you, fist you
      Kate: Hold you, kiss you, jack you, kiss you, rim you, kiss you, kill you, kiss you

      Fuck you
    • 6
    • Sex With Ducks
    • 1:58
    • Pat Robertson once said
      It’s a long downward slide
      That'll lead to legalizing sex with ducks
      If two men can stand, side by side

      God, I hope he’s right
      'Cause if gay marriage becomes lawful
      Gonna find myself a duck
      And legally do something awful

      Ducks, sex with ducks
      We’ll do it in the rain
      Ducks, yeah, ducks
      Got those webbed feet on my brain

      We’ll find a pond, we’ll find a puddle
      Put your beak in mine and we’ll cuddle
      It’s a feeling I can’t name
      When sex with ducks and gay marriage are one in the same

      Gonna goose that goose, gonna quack that swan
      Gonna rubber my ducky, all night long
      Gonna wack that mallard 'til it’s feathers plume
      Gonna Huey Dewey Louie all over the room

      Scrooge McDuck gonna give it you
      Dive into your gold until you say Duck Tales, woo hoo

      Ducks, sex with ducks
      We’ll do it in the rain
      Ducks, yeah, ducks
      Those feathered bodies are insane

      We’ll find a pond, we’ll find a puddle
      I’ll be the wind beneath your wings and we’ll cuddle
      It’s a feeling I can’t name
      When sex with ducks and gay marriage are one in the same
    • 7
    • This Party Took a Turn for the Douche
    • 3:53
    • We roll into the bar 'cause that’s how we do
      Garfunkel, Oates and the rest of the crew
      Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that bitch go she
      Hits up the jukebox and puts on Jim Croce
      Operator, can you help me place this call?

      We’re laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing
      And I’m the liking the direction this night is going
      But then I look up and something has changed
      Everyone around us looks fucking deranged

      I look to my left, I look to my right
      Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight
      With super tight abs and super tan skin
      I swear this ain’t the club that I walked in

      The techno music starts to play
      And the room smells like Axe Body Spray
      I’m like Golda Meir with no gold in my ear
      Please tell me what the hell happened here

      Yo it ain’t pretty but you know it’s the truth
      This party just took a turn for the douche

      For the douche, for the douche
      For the motherfuckin' douche
      Thought it was a perfect party
      Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy
      This party just took a turn for the douche

      Guess I can’t beat 'em so I’m gonna join ‘em
      Need some douche phrases and I’m gonna coin ‘em
      Put my bluetooth in and I’m on my way
      Gonna be a motherfuckin' douchebag today

      Gonna groom my beard like a Bonsai tree
      Wax off my chest like Mr. Miyagi
      Got a Chinese tat, don’t know what it means
      But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens

      Don’t need sleeves on my shirt, just rip ‘em off
      And leave ‘em exposed like Bernie Madoff
      Fake tan so brown you can call me Foxy
      Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops Oxy

      Got more chains than Mr. T
      And I pity the fuckwad who messes with me
      Cause I’m doin’ roids ‘til my balls get teeny
      Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace, up inside the weenie

      Gettin’ crunk on brewskis with my broskis
      Cooler than Ice Cube wearing snow skis
      Sweeter than the life of Zack and Cody
      Higher than the voice of Truman Capote

      Yeah I’ll drop a G for this bottle of Goose
      This party just took a turn for the douche

      For the douche, for the douche
      For the motherfuckin’ douche
      Thought it was a perfect party
      Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy
      This party just took a turn for the douche

      We’re an Army in the Night like Norman Mailer
      And it’s time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor
      I’m a VIP 'cause my table said so
      I’ma use some Rufees 'cause the skank said, "No!"

      I like my hair like I like my girl’s drink
      Spiked as fuck

      Did my last keg stand like General Custer
      And I’m assessin’ the damage like a claims adjuster
      I ain’t your daddy but I’ll call you son
      Yeah I get metaphysical like fuckin' John Donne

      I’m holdin’ up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobbler
      Girls are on the dance floor shakin’ their cobbler
      I’m Cool like LL, Fly like Jeff Goldblum
      And I’m gonna find the biggest ho in this room

      Girl’s wax is Brazilian, her manicure’s French
      Jean Nate is her signature stench
      She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas
      Her garden’s more savage then ch ch cherry colas

      Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her
      Hope she’s birth controlled like Margaret Sanger
      Gonna Boner Stabbone her, Mike Seaver her beaver
      Take her gold for cash then motherfuckin' leave her

      I ain’t in love with you cousin I ain’t George Michael Bluth
      This party just took a turn for the douche

      For the douche, for the douche
      For the motherfuckin’ douche
      Thought it was a perfect party
      Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy
      This party just took a turn for the douche
    • 8
    • Running With Chicken
    • 1:54
    • When your day is bad
      And you're feeling sad
      And you're kinda mad
      And you're sure not glad
      And you're thinking this is the opposite of rad

      When things are tough
      And you've had enough
      And the going gets rough
      And you're in a huff
      And a whole bunch of real bad other stuff

      You know it's true
      There's one thing left to do

      Go running with chicken
      Go running with your deep fried dreams
      When your extra crispy destiny awaits
      Go running with chicken
      Original recipe
      Time to risk it
      Leave the biscuit and fly
      Go running with chicken

      You've had it up to here
      And it's all you fear
      Nothing's clear
      You're sheer out of cheer
      You're a finger lickin' good time pioneer

      When you're feeling spastic
      And it's not fantastic
      It's hard to be sarcastic
      When you're pants are elastic
      And you're thinking that it's time to do something drastic

      You're on the prowl
      To jank that fowl

      Go running with chicken
      Your Kentucky Fried fate unfurls
      You can eat so you don't have to feel
      Go running with chicken
      Even if you can't move real fast
      Just say fuck it
      Take the bucket and fly
      Go running with chicken

      It's not racist
      'Cause white people like chicken too
      Time to face it
      Everyone around the world is better
      Because of chicken
    • 9
    • One Night Stand
    • 3:41
    • I never do this ever
      It’s not what shy girls do
      But something in your eyes
      Drew me closer to you

      Do you feel that spark between us
      Sometimes you can just tell
      I feel our two souls touching
      Like I know you really well
      Really well, really well, really well

      This might be strange to tell you
      And I swear I’m not a whore
      But there are 206 bones in my body
      And I’d really like one more
      One more, one more, one more

      You're like Tweety Bird
      Come look at my Puddy Tat
      You’re like a parking ticket so fine
      Jean Claude Van Damn you’re sexy
      Let’s get horizontal and combine

      Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
      Oh baby you’re so hot
      Come on give me all you got hey
      Oh baby you're so rad
      Come on let's do something bad hey

      Your thighs are Thanksgiving
      Your stomach's Christmas
      Gonna visit in between the holidays
      Energizer bunny keeps going and going
      We’ve struck up a match and I set you ablaze

      Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
      Oh baby you’re so cute
      Get into your birthday suit hey
      Oh baby you're so sexy
      Come on over and undrex me hey

      Shoot would you look the time
      Gotta go, this has been fun, hey
      Lots to do in the morning
      Gotta help my friend move
      Gotta do my taxes
      Gotta check my email
      Plus it’s Arbor Day, hey
      Where the hell did I put my bra, oh hey

      Wait what, you think we’re dating
      However could that be
      'Cause we just had sex
      And it meant nothing (at all) to me
      To me, to me, to me

      And also hello
      How could we be dating if we never held hands
      We held onto the bedpost but we never held hands
      You got inside my body, but you didn’t reach my heart
      We raced right to the finish but I guess we missed the start
      There’s no way we were dating cause we never held hands

      How could we be dating if you never took me out, ooh
      No whisper of sweet nothings
      You just made me scream and shout, ooh
      There was no love ambition but you taught me new positions on the way
      The Rosa Parks, the Corn Beef Hash, the Moon Landing

      You may know my body,
      You don’t know my soul
      You want the donut
      But all you’re gonna get is the hole

      Listen babe I’d call you
      And probably real soon
      But I lost my cell
      And I’ll be out of town ‘til June

      I guess I didn’t mention
      My band’s going on tour
      So I’ll be super busy
      Otherwise we’d date for sure
      Cause it was… so great
    • 10
    • Places to Rest
    • 2:34
    • You’re so much younger than me
      And you’re so pretty
      I can’t believe you call me every day
      Now I’m waiting, for you to realize
      Someone better for you is bound to come your way

      But I’m adoring every moment with you
      And ignoring our expiration date
      And I want you to do anything you ever wanted to to me now
      Before it’s too late

      Tonight, of all the places to rest
      I like your arms the best
      And I know when we’re through
      I’m really gonna miss you

      You say, "You’re funny, I mean really
      And I don’t know if I want a girl like you"
      You say, "I want you to shop at American Apparel"
      But isn’t it apparent that I’m not 22

      I think you’re funny, that you’d tell me that
      You’re so honest, god you’re such a sexy mess
      And I can’t be around you when you have your clothes on
      So please let's stop talking I’ll help you undress

      Tonight, of all the places to rest
      I like your arms the best
      And I know when we’re through
      I’m really gonna miss you

      For once, I can be here
      Not thinking about where we’re going
      I’ll just lay in your big warm bed
      And laugh at your jokes
      And take comfort in not knowing
mzi.fxikidsf.170x170-75

Music Songs

Garfunkel and Oates first EP. Released on January 1, 2009.
    • 1
    • Pregnant Women are Smug
    • 2:17
    • Pregnant women are smug
      Everyone knows it, nobody says it
      Because they’re pregnant

      F-ing son of a gun
      You think you’re so deep now
      You give me the creeps now
      That you’re pregnant

      I can’t count all the ways how
      You speak in clichés now

      Riki: So, do you want a boy or a girl?
      Kate: Oh, it doesn't matter, as long as it's healthy.
      Riki: Really? Because I don't feel like those two things are related at all. It's not like one or the other-
      Kate: No, no, no, no as long as it's healthy... hmmmm….

      I can’t wait to hear someone say
      Don’t care if it’s brain dead
      Don’t care if it’s limbless
      If it has a penis

      'Cause pregnant women are smug
      Everyone knows it, nobody says it
      Because they’re pregnant

      This zen world you’re enjoying
      Makes you really annoying

      Riki: So, is it a boy or a girl?
      Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
      Riki: What are you gonna name it?
      Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
      Riki: Who's the father?
      Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.

      Bitch, I don’t really care
      I was being polite now
      Since you have no life now
      That you’re pregnant

      You say you’re walking on air
      You think that you’re glowing
      But you had been ho-ing
      And now you’re pregnant

      You’re just giving birth now
      You’re not Mother Earth now

      Riki: Yeah, I have a lot going on: I got my degree, I moved, I wrote a novel-
      Kate: Gosh, everything just seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.
      Riki: I also built a nuclear fusion reactor-
      Kate: You know, I can't even remember what I did before I was pregnant, everything just seemed so meaningless… Mmmm…

      Pregnant women are smug
      Everyone knows it, nobody says it
      Because they’re pregnant

      F-ing son of a gun
      You think you’re so deep now
      You give me the creeps now
      Now that you’re pregnant
    • 2
    • I Would Never (Have Sex with You)
    • 2:17
    • Uh one, uh two, uh three, four, five, six!
      Remember the time we went out to dinner,
      you and I alone,
      we ate some french fries

      Let's do it again

      Remember the time we went to the movies,
      laughed so hard we cried,
      then we ate more french fries

      Let's do it again

      'Cause I really like you as a friend
      But there are things I can't pretend
      Know I could love you 'til the end
      But there is just one problem, problem, problem
      (there's a bigger problem, problem, problem)

      I would never have sex with you
      Believe me, you'd know it if I wanted to
      already would have shown my boobs to you
      (already would have gone down on you)
      But that will never happen

      Remember the time we stayed up all night talking,
      let our secrets out until the sunshine
      Let's do it again

      Remember the time we went to Dave and Busters,
      Dance Dance Revolutioned 'til we won a keychain
      Let's do it again

      This shouldn't come as a surprise
      You should have seen it in my eyes
      I kinda like some other guys

      But No amount of alcohol could change my mind at all
      Our lips will never touch,
      so kiss that thought good bye
      'cause I would never have sex with you

      Believe me, you'd know it if I wanted to
      I already would have held hands with you,
      but that will never happen
    • 3
    • Me, You and Steve
    • 1:57
    • Candlelight and moonlight all around us
      I look into your eyes
      You hold my hand underneath the table
      And I can’t disguise the way I feel

      I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
      For this night I can’t believe
      That it’s finally me and you and you and me
      Just us, and your friend Steve

      Dododododo Steve Dodododoo leave
      What’s the deal with your friend Steve
      Oh hey, how's it going

      You took me out for waffles and to the movies
      I was hoping for romance
      You even took me to the Mexican circus
      I thought there was a chance we’d be alone

      I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
      For Steve to disappear
      What the fuck's your fucking problem
      Why’s he always here

      Dododododo Steve Dododododo go away
      What’s the deal with your friend Steve
      Oh hey, how's it going

      It’s not that I don’t like your friend
      But how many hours with him can you spend and
      It’s not that I don’t think he’s great
      But its only you, only you, I wanna felate

      Are you gay for Steve I think you may be
      And that would be alright
      But let a bitch know just what your steez is
      So I know if I should shave tonight

      I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
      'Cause I like to be with you
      But if it’s always me and you and your friend Steve
      There’s nothing I can

      Dododododo Steve Dododododo
      Why don't you just go be with your best friend
      And boyfriend Steve
    • 4
    • Fuck You
    • 2:17
    • I’ve got too many questions in my mind
      And I’ve got too many answers to find

      Can I give up all I’ve imagined?
      Am I imagical enough for this to happen?

      Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
      And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
      Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you

      Can I be the man you’re looking for?
      Can I be your girl forever more?

      I’ll try real hard not to lose her
      I’ll try to be less of a loser

      Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
      And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
      Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you… fuck you

      (flute solo)

      Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
      And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
      Sure as the stars above I’d really like to

      Riki: Kiss you, squeeze you, kiss you, rip you, kiss you, rape you, kiss you, fist you
      Kate: Hold you, kiss you, jack you, kiss you, rim you, kiss you, kill you, kiss you

      Fuck you
    • 5
    • Only You
    • 1:52
    • 6
    • One Night Stand
    • 4:00
    • I never do this ever
      It’s not what shy girls do
      But something in your eyes
      Drew me closer to you

      Do you feel that spark between us
      Sometimes you can just tell
      I feel our two souls touching
      Like I know you really well
      Really well, really well, really well

      This might be strange to tell you
      And I swear I’m not a whore
      But there are 206 bones in my body
      And I’d really like one more
      One more, one more, one more

      You're like Tweety Bird
      Come look at my Puddy Tat
      You’re like a parking ticket so fine
      Jean Claude Van Damn you’re sexy
      Let’s get horizontal and combine

      Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
      Oh baby you’re so hot
      Come on give me all you got hey
      Oh baby you're so rad
      Come on let's do something bad hey

      Your thighs are Thanksgiving
      Your stomach's Christmas
      Gonna visit in between the holidays
      Energizer bunny keeps going and going
      We’ve struck up a match and I set you ablaze

      Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
      Oh baby you’re so cute
      Get into your birthday suit hey
      Oh baby you're so sexy
      Come on over and undrex me hey

      Shoot would you look the time
      Gotta go, this has been fun, hey
      Lots to do in the morning
      Gotta help my friend move
      Gotta do my taxes
      Gotta check my email
      Plus it’s Arbor Day, hey
      Where the hell did I put my bra, oh hey

      Wait what, you think we’re dating
      However could that be
      'Cause we just had sex
      And it meant nothing (at all) to me
      To me, to me, to me

      And also hello
      How could we be dating if we never held hands
      We held onto the bedpost but we never held hands
      You got inside my body, but you didn’t reach my heart
      We raced right to the finish but I guess we missed the start
      There’s no way we were dating cause we never held hands

      How could we be dating if you never took me out, ooh
      No whisper of sweet nothings
      You just made me scream and shout, ooh
      There was no love ambition but you taught me new positions on the way
      The Rosa Parks, the Corn Beef Hash, the Moon Landing

      You may know my body,
      You don’t know my soul
      You want the donut
      But all you’re gonna get is the hole

      Listen babe I’d call you
      And probably real soon
      But I lost my cell
      And I’ll be out of town ‘til June

      I guess I didn’t mention
      My band’s going on tour
      So I’ll be super busy
      Otherwise we’d date for sure
      Cause it was… so great
    • 7
    • Silver Lining
    • 2:09
    • You gotta get up in the morning
      No matter what happened last night
      He ripped your heart out without warning
      But there's only one thing to do
      No matter what you're going through

      Get up out of bed
      Right foot, left foot moving
      Get out of your head
      Soon, you'll be improving

      You'd see the sun outside is shining
      If you would only open up your eyes
      Haven't you heard of the silver lining?
      And if he never felt that way
      Why would you want him to stay?
    • 8
    • As You Are
    • 2:21