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Candlelight and moonlight all around us
I look into your eyes
You hold my hand underneath the table
And I can’t disguise the way I feel

I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
For this night I can’t believe
That it’s finally me and you and you and me
Just us, and your friend Steve

Dododododo Steve Dodododoo leave
What’s the deal with your friend Steve
Oh hey, how's it going

You took me out for waffles and to the movies
I was hoping for romance
You even took me to the Mexican circus
I thought there was a chance we’d be alone

I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
For Steve to disappear
What the fuck's your fucking problem
Why’s he always here

Dododododo Steve Dododododo go away
What’s the deal with your friend Steve
Oh hey, how's it going

It’s not that I don’t like your friend
But how many hours with him can you spend and
It’s not that I don’t think he’s great
But its only you, only you, I wanna felate

Are you gay for Steve I think you may be
And that would be alright
But let a bitch know just what your steez is
So I know if I should shave tonight

I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
'Cause I like to be with you
But if it’s always me and you and your friend Steve
There’s nothing I can

Dododododo Steve Dododododo
Why don't you just go be with your best friend
And boyfriend Steve

Everyone knows marijuana’s dangerous
And medical pot is really strong
That’s why it's so hard in California
To get your weed card
Unless something’s really wrong

Gonna pay a visit to my doctor
It’s a long shot but I gotta try
She hands me a list of all the ailments
I can have to qualify
Can’t believe what I am reading
This is just what I’ve been needing
A government supply
To get legally high

Weed card, that’s what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But it’s not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

You can get your card for having headaches, bad dreams or anxiety
Propensity for drugs or alcohol,
Anorexia or obesity
Too fat, too thin, either way you win
Carpal tunnel syndrome, color blindness,
St-st-stuttering, t-t-tooth decay
Fatigue, depression, motion sickness,
Impotence or TMJ
You can smoke to quit cigarettes
For asthma or your motherfucking Tourette’s
It’s a dream come true
There’s nothing pot can’t do

Weed card, that’s what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But it’s not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

Got back pain need Mary Jane
Can’t handle this, need cannabis
Got a stomach ache, gotta wake and bake
Have an injury, need THC
Get fucked up for your Hyperhidrosis
Which is sweaty palms in case you need a diagnosis
It’s not a crime, it’s 4:20 time

Weed card, that’s what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But it’s not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they’re pregnant

F-ing son of a gun
You think you’re so deep now
You give me the creeps now
That you’re pregnant

I can’t count all the ways how
You speak in clichés now

Riki: So, do you want a boy or a girl?
Kate: Oh, it doesn't matter, as long as it's healthy.
Riki: Really? Because I don't feel like those two things are related at all. It's not like one or the other-
Kate: No, no, no, no as long as it's healthy... hmmmm….

I can’t wait to hear someone say
Don’t care if it’s brain dead
Don’t care if it’s limbless
If it has a penis

'Cause pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they’re pregnant

This zen world you’re enjoying
Makes you really annoying

Riki: So, is it a boy or a girl?
Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
Riki: What are you gonna name it?
Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
Riki: Who's the father?
Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.

Bitch, I don’t really care
I was being polite now
Since you have no life now
That you’re pregnant

You say you’re walking on air
You think that you’re glowing
But you had been ho-ing
And now you’re pregnant

You’re just giving birth now
You’re not Mother Earth now

Riki: Yeah, I have a lot going on: I got my degree, I moved, I wrote a novel-
Kate: Gosh, everything just seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.
Riki: I also built a nuclear fusion reactor-
Kate: You know, I can't even remember what I did before I was pregnant, everything just seemed so meaningless… Mmmm…

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they’re pregnant

F-ing son of a gun
You think you’re so deep now
You give me the creeps now
Now that you’re pregnant

Got a man, call him my boyfriend
Think I’m falling in love
The only man that gives me the things
That I am worthy of

Hugs me and holds me, kisses me softly
Calls me back right away
Communicates his feelings to me
And cares what I have to say

He says, "Baby I love you, baby I need you,
Never gonna let you go"
Writes me love notes, takes me shopping
And to Broadway shows

Talk to him like he is a girlfriend
Slumber party every night
Never been so happy before
He’s almost Mr. Right

But I think he’s hot and I think he’s sweet
And I think he’s gay and I think he’s neat
Okay okay said my boyfriend’s gay
But what does it matter anyway
He hasn’t come out of the closet yet
'Til then I’ll take all I can get

He doesn’t think I know but I know
I know I’ve always known
He doesn’t think it shows but it shows
For sure it’s always shown
You might think it’s a little sad
But he’s the best lover that I’ve ever had

At night when we’re lying in bed he’s not hard
It’s okay 'cause he gives me head
Like my mom always said, "It takes more
Than a pound to be good in bed"
You don’t know the meaning of rock your world
'Til you’ve been with a guy who thinks like girl

He lies and says that he’s on meds
That’s why he’s never stiff
When I ask if he’s not into me
He always says, “As if!”

But the way he makes up for shortcomings
Just could not be finer
'Cause my new best friend is his tongue
And his is my vagina

He reappears from under the covers
Lookin' like he’s been to war
He’s drenched in sweat he catches his breath
Then he heads back down for more

Afterwards he’s never tired
He just wants to talk
And cuddle me until I sleep
Then he takes his dog for a walk

Someday he’ll come out and I’ll be happy for him when he does
But I know I’ll be sad and I'll be thinking of what was
Someday this fairy tale will come to an end
'Cause his fairy tail will find a like-minded friend

He doesn’t think I know but I know
I know I’ve always known
He doesn’t think it shows but it shows
For sure it’s always shown
You don’t need no penetration
When you got a good dose of overcompensation

At night when we’re lying in bed he’s not hard
It’s okay 'cause he gives me head
Like my mom always said, "It takes more
Than a pound to be good in bed"
You don’t know the meaning of slot machine
'Til you’ve been with a king who thinks like a queen

I know it's not forever but that's okay
'Cause I'm his girlfriend, and he's my gay

I’ve got too many questions in my mind
And I’ve got too many answers to find

Can I give up all I’ve imagined?
Am I imagical enough for this to happen?

Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you

Can I be the man you’re looking for?
Can I be your girl forever more?

I’ll try real hard not to lose her
I’ll try to be less of a loser

Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you… fuck you

(flute solo)

Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
Sure as the stars above I’d really like to

Riki: Kiss you, squeeze you, kiss you, rip you, kiss you, rape you, kiss you, fist you
Kate: Hold you, kiss you, jack you, kiss you, rim you, kiss you, kill you, kiss you

Fuck you

Pat Robertson once said
It’s a long downward slide
That'll lead to legalizing sex with ducks
If two men can stand, side by side

God, I hope he’s right
'Cause if gay marriage becomes lawful
Gonna find myself a duck
And legally do something awful

Ducks, sex with ducks
We’ll do it in the rain
Ducks, yeah, ducks
Got those webbed feet on my brain

We’ll find a pond, we’ll find a puddle
Put your beak in mine and we’ll cuddle
It’s a feeling I can’t name
When sex with ducks and gay marriage are one in the same

Gonna goose that goose, gonna quack that swan
Gonna rubber my ducky, all night long
Gonna wack that mallard 'til it’s feathers plume
Gonna Huey Dewey Louie all over the room

Scrooge McDuck gonna give it you
Dive into your gold until you say Duck Tales, woo hoo

Ducks, sex with ducks
We’ll do it in the rain
Ducks, yeah, ducks
Those feathered bodies are insane

We’ll find a pond, we’ll find a puddle
I’ll be the wind beneath your wings and we’ll cuddle
It’s a feeling I can’t name
When sex with ducks and gay marriage are one in the same

We roll into the bar 'cause that’s how we do
Garfunkel, Oates and the rest of the crew
Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that bitch go she
Hits up the jukebox and puts on Jim Croce
Operator, can you help me place this call?

We’re laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing
And I’m the liking the direction this night is going
But then I look up and something has changed
Everyone around us looks fucking deranged

I look to my left, I look to my right
Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight
With super tight abs and super tan skin
I swear this ain’t the club that I walked in

The techno music starts to play
And the room smells like Axe Body Spray
I’m like Golda Meir with no gold in my ear
Please tell me what the hell happened here

Yo it ain’t pretty but you know it’s the truth
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

Guess I can’t beat 'em so I’m gonna join ‘em
Need some douche phrases and I’m gonna coin ‘em
Put my bluetooth in and I’m on my way
Gonna be a motherfuckin' douchebag today

Gonna groom my beard like a Bonsai tree
Wax off my chest like Mr. Miyagi
Got a Chinese tat, don’t know what it means
But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens

Don’t need sleeves on my shirt, just rip ‘em off
And leave ‘em exposed like Bernie Madoff
Fake tan so brown you can call me Foxy
Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops Oxy

Got more chains than Mr. T
And I pity the fuckwad who messes with me
Cause I’m doin’ roids ‘til my balls get teeny
Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace, up inside the weenie

Gettin’ crunk on brewskis with my broskis
Cooler than Ice Cube wearing snow skis
Sweeter than the life of Zack and Cody
Higher than the voice of Truman Capote

Yeah I’ll drop a G for this bottle of Goose
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin’ douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

We’re an Army in the Night like Norman Mailer
And it’s time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor
I’m a VIP 'cause my table said so
I’ma use some Rufees 'cause the skank said, "No!"

I like my hair like I like my girl’s drink
Spiked as fuck

Did my last keg stand like General Custer
And I’m assessin’ the damage like a claims adjuster
I ain’t your daddy but I’ll call you son
Yeah I get metaphysical like fuckin' John Donne

I’m holdin’ up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobbler
Girls are on the dance floor shakin’ their cobbler
I’m Cool like LL, Fly like Jeff Goldblum
And I’m gonna find the biggest ho in this room

Girl’s wax is Brazilian, her manicure’s French
Jean Nate is her signature stench
She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas
Her garden’s more savage then ch ch cherry colas

Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her
Hope she’s birth controlled like Margaret Sanger
Gonna Boner Stabbone her, Mike Seaver her beaver
Take her gold for cash then motherfuckin' leave her

I ain’t in love with you cousin I ain’t George Michael Bluth
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin’ douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

When your day is bad
And you're feeling sad
And you're kinda mad
And you're sure not glad
And you're thinking this is the opposite of rad

When things are tough
And you've had enough
And the going gets rough
And you're in a huff
And a whole bunch of real bad other stuff

You know it's true
There's one thing left to do

Go running with chicken
Go running with your deep fried dreams
When your extra crispy destiny awaits
Go running with chicken
Original recipe
Time to risk it
Leave the biscuit and fly
Go running with chicken

You've had it up to here
And it's all you fear
Nothing's clear
You're sheer out of cheer
You're a finger lickin' good time pioneer

When you're feeling spastic
And it's not fantastic
It's hard to be sarcastic
When you're pants are elastic
And you're thinking that it's time to do something drastic

You're on the prowl
To jank that fowl

Go running with chicken
Your Kentucky Fried fate unfurls
You can eat so you don't have to feel
Go running with chicken
Even if you can't move real fast
Just say fuck it
Take the bucket and fly
Go running with chicken

It's not racist
'Cause white people like chicken too
Time to face it
Everyone around the world is better
Because of chicken

I never do this ever
It’s not what shy girls do
But something in your eyes
Drew me closer to you

Do you feel that spark between us
Sometimes you can just tell
I feel our two souls touching
Like I know you really well
Really well, really well, really well

This might be strange to tell you
And I swear I’m not a whore
But there are 206 bones in my body
And I’d really like one more
One more, one more, one more

You're like Tweety Bird
Come look at my Puddy Tat
You’re like a parking ticket so fine
Jean Claude Van Damn you’re sexy
Let’s get horizontal and combine

Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
Oh baby you’re so hot
Come on give me all you got hey
Oh baby you're so rad
Come on let's do something bad hey

Your thighs are Thanksgiving
Your stomach's Christmas
Gonna visit in between the holidays
Energizer bunny keeps going and going
We’ve struck up a match and I set you ablaze

Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
Oh baby you’re so cute
Get into your birthday suit hey
Oh baby you're so sexy
Come on over and undrex me hey

Shoot would you look the time
Gotta go, this has been fun, hey
Lots to do in the morning
Gotta help my friend move
Gotta do my taxes
Gotta check my email
Plus it’s Arbor Day, hey
Where the hell did I put my bra, oh hey

Wait what, you think we’re dating
However could that be
'Cause we just had sex
And it meant nothing (at all) to me
To me, to me, to me

And also hello
How could we be dating if we never held hands
We held onto the bedpost but we never held hands
You got inside my body, but you didn’t reach my heart
We raced right to the finish but I guess we missed the start
There’s no way we were dating cause we never held hands

How could we be dating if you never took me out, ooh
No whisper of sweet nothings
You just made me scream and shout, ooh
There was no love ambition but you taught me new positions on the way
The Rosa Parks, the Corn Beef Hash, the Moon Landing

You may know my body,
You don’t know my soul
You want the donut
But all you’re gonna get is the hole

Listen babe I’d call you
And probably real soon
But I lost my cell
And I’ll be out of town ‘til June

I guess I didn’t mention
My band’s going on tour
So I’ll be super busy
Otherwise we’d date for sure
Cause it was… so great

You’re so much younger than me
And you’re so pretty
I can’t believe you call me every day
Now I’m waiting, for you to realize
Someone better for you is bound to come your way

But I’m adoring every moment with you
And ignoring our expiration date
And I want you to do anything you ever wanted to to me now
Before it’s too late

Tonight, of all the places to rest
I like your arms the best
And I know when we’re through
I’m really gonna miss you

You say, "You’re funny, I mean really
And I don’t know if I want a girl like you"
You say, "I want you to shop at American Apparel"
But isn’t it apparent that I’m not 22

I think you’re funny, that you’d tell me that
You’re so honest, god you’re such a sexy mess
And I can’t be around you when you have your clothes on
So please let's stop talking I’ll help you undress

Tonight, of all the places to rest
I like your arms the best
And I know when we’re through
I’m really gonna miss you

For once, I can be here
Not thinking about where we’re going
I’ll just lay in your big warm bed
And laugh at your jokes
And take comfort in not knowing