Here we go
Here’s the show
The world is waiting out your backdoor
So grab your map, it’s time to explore
Through parks and ponds and caves and canyons
See it all with your trusty companions
Riki! Kate!
From the highest mountains to longest streams
Time to be brave and follow our dreams
What awaits us, nobody knows
We’ll go whatever way the wind blows
We’ll have fun no matter we’re at
We’ll have fun no matter we’re at
It’s Garfunkel and Oates time
With Garfunkel and Oates

KATE: For the first time in my life I see it clearly/ I’ve realized the power of being a woman/ 29 years old and time's on my side/I’m in my prime/I’ve hit my stride/ I’ve got so much charisma and so many options/It's nice to always have my pick

RIKI: THERE’S NOBODY LEFT/I’M ALL ALONE

KATE: I’m at the top of my game/Possibilities are endless/And I just feel really pretty/I'm holding out for someone who meets my standards/Won’t settle for anything less than perfect/I know what I want/ And I can have it/I’m surrounded by love and peace

RIKI: THERE’S NOBODY LEFT/I’M ALL ALONE/Why did I wait/ What's wrong with me/In two short years I’m gonna be 33/ Who the hell will want me then/ My ovaries are shrinking/ I’m disgusting and everyone feels bad for me/ And I never get invited to dinner parties anymore

KATE: Things unfold when they are supposed to cause everything happens for a reason/It'll happen for me when I'm not even looking/ He'll just appear and I'll just know/And he'll love me forever without any work/ Who needs to try when things are meant to be

KATE: (simultaneous) La la la la la la la la la la la

RIKI: (simultaneous) THERE’S NOBODY LEFT/I’M ALL ALONE Oh, what, you think biological reality doesn't apply to you in your adorable cocoon of agelessness/Well it does/And while you're just waiting around and focusing on you guess what /You're gonna miss your window

KATE: Everything happens for a reason/You know I truly believe that

RIKI: Yeah you said that before

KATE: Oh my god it does, everything happens for a reason

RIKI: What about the Haitian earthquake/Or cellulite on skinny women

KATE: Just say, “Hey Universe, I’m ready!” It’ll happen when you least expect it

RIKI: Well now I don’t expect it at all now so I guess it’s right around the corner

KATE: Maybe you’re putting out the wrong vibe/Maybe you’re closed off to love/ Let me tell you a secret it’s called The Secret

RIKI: Here’s another secret you’re an asshole

KATE: Your negativity is a self-fulfilling prophecy/The reason things go well for me is cause of positivity

RIKI: Well I'm positive fertility always begins to atrophy when infantile fantasy eclipses true reality

KATE: It never once occurred to me that things won't work out perfectly/When god closes a door you see he opens a window

RIKI: You realize that's a smaller opening right/You used to be able to just walk out the door and now you have to climb out of some
slightly ajar window somewhere possibly falling like 8 stories to your death/That is not an upgrade/And you know what else

RIKI: (simultaneous) THERE’S NOBODY LEFT/I’M ALL ALONE/YOU’RE SO STUPID/I HATE YOU SO MUCH/AAAAAHHHHH

KATE: (simultaneous) You can’t love someone else til you love yoursel/You can’t love someone else til you love yourself/You can’t love someone else til you love yourself/ Cause life is

KATE/RIKI: good/over

VERSE 1:

Sports go sports
I promise I really totally care who wins
If there’s a net or a hoop or hole in the ground
I hope they get it in
If they want to go to all the bases
I hope they do
If they’re supposed to run past a line or whatever
I hope they do that too
Sports go sports

VERSE 2:

May they top their opponents numerically in the allotted time
Lest they disenfranchise their audience
And see their revenues decline
May the partakers be sturdy and rapid
In the spirited energies they exert
May they be victorious in perpetuity
Don’t I look cute in this football shirt

CHORUS 1:

Sports go sports
Athletics are number one
Participants are heroes
Go team yeah

VERSE 3:

This is the most important thing that’s ever occurred
The vicarious fulfillment of your dream that got deferred
You had aspirations as a kid but you didn’t have the skill
So you watch genetically superior people
Do the things you never will
Sports go sports

VERSE 4:

May the competitors you prefer best their opposing equivalents
So you can somehow feel connected to the feat of your self-appointed constituents
May the hours you spend watching post-match pontificators
Amplify the thrill of being a witness
And better your predictive aptitude
For your squad’s future physical fitness

CHORUS 2:

Sports go sports
Athletics are number one
Participants are heroes
Go team yeah

BRIDGE:

Watching able-bodied millionaires play with each other
Watching less agile millionaires talk about it on TV
May they compile copious points
So they are rewarded and meritorious
So you can feel temporarily adjacently victorious

CHORUS 4:

Sports go sports
Athletics are number one
Participants are heroes
Go team yeah

OUTRO:

Every other word
Sports sports are one
Are go yeah

Every other other word
Go athletics number
Participants heroes team

Now in Latin
Ludis ire ludis
Arcu sunt optimum
Participants sunt heroes
Ire quadrigus sic

Now the truth
If you could only throw a ball
You’d have a hotter wife
Lots and lots of money
And a way better life
And a way better life
Go sports

INTRO:

All my life, I've been good
Do what my mom and dad and god say I should
Go to church
And bible school
To live by God's rule
So whatever people tell me, that the Bible tells me
I will do

VERSE 1:

Walk the halls of high school with my purity ring
Unlike those other girls I got my morals in check
It was easy to do til I got a boyfriend
And pardon my French, but he's cute as heck
I made a pact to keep my hymen in tact and Jesus and I are tight

Never learned about the birds and bees
I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
Cause the Bible says premarital sex is wrong
But Jason says that guys can't wait that long
I don't wanna lose him
To someone who'll do him
I need to figure something out

Well there’s a loophole in the scripture that works really well
So I can get him off without going to hell
It’s my Hail Mary full of grace
In Jesus’ name we go to fifth base

Oh thank you for making me holy
And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
And since I’m not a godless whore
He’ll have to come in the backdoor
Therefore

CHORUS 1:

Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Give me that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization
It's just between you and me
Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see

VERSE 2:

It’s hard to be as pure as me
To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
To wait until my marriage bed
To give my husband my unsullied maidenhead

So take your cock out
Shove it in my ass
Fuck me until you come
Oops I mean
Let’s join our souls
And unite our bodies
And fly with the wings of God

Whatever you do, don't touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan's doorbell God can't ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
Cause birth control's for sluts and it's a sin
I've emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I'm ready for romance

Now I'm praying to the power that’s the highest
But of all my holes this one’s the driest
But we can't procreate if we anally copulate
And God's okay with sodomy but only if you're straight

And I'm staying pure no matter what
So I'm okay with everything butt
Everything butt
Everything butt
Woah-ooh

CHORUS 2:

Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Give me that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization
It's just between you and me
Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see

BRIDGE:

I do whatever the Bible tells me to
Except the parts that I choose to ignore
Cause they're unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest I live by for sure

So let's not talk about how the good book
Bans shellfish, polyester and divorce
And how it condones slavery and killing gays
Cause those parts don't count, of course

Let's cherry pick the part about losing my cherry
And mine it for ambiguities and omissions
To circumvent any real sacrifice
But still feel pious with my arbitrary, parroted positions

But don't you dare questions my convictions
And don't look closely at the contradictions
Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
And have faith in its complete jurisdiction

As the only way to measure if you're good or not
And in a debate, just say to have faith, cause when up against logic it's the only card you've got
So close your eyes, take a deep breath and

CHORUS 3:

Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Give me that sweet sensation of an irrational rationalization
It's just between you and me
Cause everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
Yeah my chastity belt has locks
But sometimes you need to think outside the box

VERSE 1:

We've been on a bunch of dates
I weigh debates that this creates
And hate that state of forced introspection

We traded wit
We swapped some spit
You fingered me a little bit
But we never really had a connection

You did nothing wrong
I have no excuse
Just my intuition telling me we shouldn't reproduce

I know I have to end it
But pretend to just suspend it
By contending that I'm busy all week

I let the foregon linger on
Text back with an emoticon
Withdraw from you by being oblique

Inside I know my tactics just delay it
But I'll do anything so I don't have to say it

I’ll draw this out forever like Vietnam
And one day I’ll be gone like Bambi’s mom
Awww

CHORUS 1:

Cause there's the right thing to do
Then there's what I'm gonna do
There's much I should say
But instead, I do the fadeaway
Fadeaway

POST-CHORUS 1:

Now I’m a fading like chalk on a sidewalk
Or the polio virus after Jonas Salk
A Jewish guy in Sizzler on Yom Kippur
The Whig Party post Millard Fillmore

The erection of a man on antidepressants
The Diff’rent Strokes cast after adolescence
Reproductive rights below the Mason-Dixon
Native Americans after the barter system
Your thyroid gland after Hashimoto
The family in the Back to the Future photo
Yeah I fadeaway

VERSE 2:

We say that men are assholes who don't communicate
We revel in our victimhood and amplify our hate
We find ways to be indignant like it's a sport
Then dissect their malignanace with the views we distort

The way men breakup may be sloppy and terse
What they do is bad
But what we do is worse

We pretend to ourselves it’s the nice thing to do
To let you down gently by just not fucking telling you
And deep down we know it’s the worst way to play it
But we are what we have... huge pussies

And women are hypocrites
Especially ones in comedy bands
We see your faults but not our own
Then we wonder why we’re all alone
We fill you up with maybes, excuses and stalls
But like a baby in China
It’s better to have balls

Not the Good Wife type like Christine Baranski:
So I’ll pull out and leave
Like I’m Roman Polanski
Awww

CHORUS 2:

Cause there's the right thing to do
Then there's what I'm gonna do
There's much I should say
But instead, I do the fadeaway
Fadeaway

POST CHORUS 2:

Like Verbal Kint fading into Keyser Soze
The rights in Arizona for a guy named Jose
Opportunities for a college grad
The love between your mom and dad

Gonna Peter out like gay Cetera
Iranian relations since the Regan era
Black Nike sales after Heaven’s Gate
Summer camp attendance at Penn State

The name Adolph after World War II
Like Debbie Gibson’s pop career out of the blue
Yeah I fadeaway

Cause I don’t wanna get to know you
I just want to blow you
Off

VERSE 1:

You didn’t do it, didn’t reach your goal
Your heart is broken, you’re an asshole
In the end you didn’t have what it takes
So here’s to you and your huge mistakes

You’re humiliated, hollowed out and exhausted
You were in the ring fighting the fight and you lost it
This isn’t your time, this wasn’t for you
At least you did everything you could do

You’re a loser but a dreamer
You’re tired but you’re strong
You’re going on no evidence
You don’t listen to common sense
You went all in and you were wrong

CHORUS 1:

You are such a loser, good for you
That’s something a lot of people can’t do
Trying is hard, that’s why people don’t do it
Losing is hard, they can’t make it through it
But not you, you are such a loser
You are such a loser
Here’s to you, cause you deserve a cheering a section too

VERSE 2:

Throw your heart at it, so what if you break it
You know now that you’re strong enough to take it
Don’t let it break you don’t let ‘em you break you
Fake it, keep going until you have a breakthrough

Icarus is bullshit that’s why it’s called mythology
People can’t stand genius without an apology
Fuck that, fuck them, go get what you want to get
Let them stay home and comment on the internet

You’re a loser but a dreamer
You’re tired but you’re strong
You’re going on no evidence
You don’t listen to common sense
You went all in and you were wrong

CHORUS 2:

You are such a loser, good for you
That’s something a lot of people can’t do
Trying is hard, that’s why people don’t do it
Losing is hard, they can’t make it through it
But not you, you are such a loser
You are such a loser
Here’s to you, cause you deserve a cheering a section too

BRIDGE:

You can only fall that far cause you set yourself up so high
Who really cares that this time it didn't fly
At least you try, at least you tried
At least you’re not that guy watching from the side
Who thinks he’s doing better cause he wasn’t defeated
When he’s just a nonentity who never competed
You’re the one who’s out there reaching for something greater
And you know it’s better to be a loser than a spectator
And you are such a loser
You are such a loser
So here’s to you

VERSE 1:


When a man doesn’t love a woman very very much
He signs away his paternal rights and jizzes in a cup
Then with lots of money and scientific genius
Hormones, pain and of course, um... Jesus

The process begins the way god intended
With a transvaginal ultrasound
With a wand longer than a ukulele
When it comes out of my body, it makes this sound (pop)

I give myself daily intradermal injections
An acute blood thinner and estrogen concurrence
Cryopreservation through hormonal activation
And none of it’s covered by insurance

Then I’m knocked out and you’re removed
And combined with a stranger’s come
And as the saying goes
You win some, you lose some/you dispose of the defective ones in a hazardous waste bin

And then you’re frozen until I’m certain
It’s time to unthaw you into a person
Then you’ll expire or you’ll make the grade
And that, my darling, that’s how babies are made
(It’s so easy and natural)

CHORUS 1:

Hush little egg baby don’t say a word
Mama’s gonna freeze you til she gets rich
And when that day finally arrives
You’ll be constructed in a petri dish
With sperm donor 8w6-3
The silent partner of our family
So hush little egg baby don’t be sad
Just because I never fucked your dad

VERSE 2:

I know there are orphans everywhere
But I’m going to pretend that isn’t real
Don’t look at me like that just cause I admit it
You had kids and you knew the deal

Yeah I feel guilty about overpopulation
And ruining the environment for forever
But Osama Bin Laden had 20 kids
So fuck you or whatever

Sadly procreation is not a meritocracy
And we need to prevent a real life Idiocracy
Though it may be the ultimate form of narcissism
It’s also a way to re-reverse reverse Darwinism

I want all the stuff I don’t need a bucket list
It doesn’t make me greedy it just makes me feminist
Now I’m thinking back through all the guys I’ve dated
If they heard this song they’d fucking hate it

CHORUS 2:

Hush little egg baby don’t you cry
You’ll have the best genes mommy can buy

I don’t want to wait until I get in dire straights
My friends say if I want kids I should go out on some dates
But these working bitches don’t have time to leave it to the fates
The world deserves more Riki’s and the world deserves more Kate’s

So hush little egg baby dads are overrated
He did what mattered when he masturbated

BRIDGE:

Hush little egg baby just hold firm
Mama’s gonna buy you designer sperm

And if that sperm gives you random traits
Mama’s gonna test your dna

And if your dna doesn’t make things clear
Mama’s gonna just have to live in fear

And if that fear turns into guilt
Mama’s gonna hold onto what we built

And if I hold too tight as to suffocate
I’ll buy you lots of things to overcompensate

And if that overcompensation’s too transparent
I’ll pretend it’s somehow better with no male parent

And if you say but mom who’s my dad
I’ll say I don’t know and it’s just too bad

And if that badness forms a hole in your heart
I’ll want to make it up to you but won’t know where to start

I’ll probably start by saying it’s just you and me
And there’s no such thing as a normal family

So fuck being normal and let’s do this shit
Momma’s gonna freeze you til she... gets.... rich

VERSE 1:

There comes a time in everyone's life
When they choose stasis or choose to grow
To be open new views and experiences
And challenge what they think they know

We don't live a in a black and white world
And sexuality exists in the gray
You can't define those roles so rigidly
By saying someone's totally straight or gay

Cause people are just people
And love today is omnisexual
God, I love this new side of me
As a modern heteroflexible

So with the help of a lot of booze
I find a girl and we make out
And it feels the same as kissing a guy
So I don't get what the fuss is about

We keep hooking up and it feels so good
And with my new broad outlook firmly in place
I've come so far, it feels so right
There's a vagina in my face and I'm all

Ew Ew Yuck Yuck, etc.

VERSE 2:

Holy shit I didn't expect that,
Didn’t know I'd react that way
I was repelled like negatively charged ions in a magnetic field or like I got pricked by a thorn
I'm Cinderella and it's midnight and my coach turned into a woman
I haven't been that close to a vagina since I was born

I thought I understood what was down there
But it's just so human when you see it up close
It's a messy visible secreting organ
Real woman genitals are kinda gross

I thought it would be smooth and nonthreatening
Or nonexistent like Barbie's
Instead it looks like a half eaten beef and cheddar
In the garbage can at Arby's

It's wrinkly and flappy and uneven and messy
And kind of pink but also kind of brown
With a super aggressive tongue-like hole
And a hoody triangle protruding skin mound

It's like a weather-beaten deflated football
Or a decomposing, bloody pear
Or a toothless mouth with gum rot and yeast
That's salivating and covered in hair

I knew it smelled weird but this is extreme
Like old French dressing in a salad bar
Or expired banana Activia
Or a dead rotting turtle you left in your car

It reminds me of the smell of my grandma's house
Or a guinea pig with bacterial disease
Wafting from a jar of formaldehyde
Or fresh spaghetti-O’s and warm blue cheese

I'm sorry I can't believe I said that
That was insensitive and immature
I swear I'm not homophobic or anti-woman
Just caught off guard for sure

The female anatomy is divine and perfect
And should be eternally celebrated
And revered for it's role as beautiful vessel
Wherein all life is created
And when I think about it I’m all-

EW EW Yuck Yuck, etc.

VERSE 3:

I’m sorry for the confusion ma'am
I guess I'm not that evolved
And my illusions of bisexuality
Just instantly dissolved

I mourn the cool new life I'd envisioned
Where love renders gender preference obsolete
Cause when I looked a vagina in the eye
I made a hasty ungraceful retreat

So my sad but definite conclusion is
That my mouth is for food and penises only
But I'm happy so many people like it down there
Otherwise I'd be really lonely
And I can’t believe I have one of those
Ew

VERSE 1:

Facebook told me it's your birthday
I wouldn't have known any other way
Cause we co-exist in a mutually unstated
Unattached cohesion that Facebook created

So I got ten seconds and they're just for you
To write on your wall like good people do
To keep our weak social tie with minimal maintenance
Happy Birthday to my loose acquaintance

VERSE 2:

Look through my photo album, you're not in it
If I saw you on the street, it would take me a minute
But I'm such a thoughtful person and I totally care
That’s why there are three exclamation points there

Colon parenthesis to be more compelling
All caps so it's just like I'm yelling
From the top of my heart, just to keep status quo
Happy Birthday, dear person, who I sorta know

VERSE 3:

We both know you're not my real friend
You're a by-product of a social networking trend
But you feel just as indifferently about me
So there's no guilt in our apathetic reciprocity

So if we don't talk much or at all this year
Remember I sent you this afterthought cheer
To keep our minor affinity with minimal maintenance
Happy Birthday to my loose acquaintance

VERSE 1:

I’ve been down here such a long, long time
My neck is at a weird angle and I don’t love the view
I’ve been working hard here not sure what else to do

Maybe I’ll try eye contact...
Nope no eye contact I feel like a creep
Maybe it will be over soon and I can go to (cough)
Oooh I just chagged, I hate chagging- (cough) I did it again

Who was the first woman to put a dick in her mouth
So avante garde, what a pioneer
God, we don’t know anything about the history of women

If a hipster comes on someone’s face
Does he make it in a figure 8 like little come glasses
Pearl vision

CHORUS 1:

I wanna make you feel good
And stopping now would kinda feel wrong
I wanna make you feel good
But only if it doesn’t take too long

VERSE 2:

What should I do, my mouth is so dry
Is it considered lubricant if I start to cry
If my dad saw me now I would feel so bad
Oh my god stop thinking about my dad

The length of time down here I’m willing to do
Is directly proportional to how much I like you
I feel like you should know that and hurry up
Cause guess what, I don’t like that you that much
Or maybe I do, who are you

I’m 36 years old and I forgot who I’m blowing
I can’t be down any longer with not knowing
You’ve got one of those dicks I can’t seem to place
I’ll pretend to take a deep breath and look up at your face
(Deep breath) Oh it’s Derek

CHORUS 2:

I wanna make you feel good
And stopping now would kinda feel wrong
I wanna make you feel good
But only if it doesn’t take too long

VERSE 3:

What’s that sound, (gasp) it’s silence
I feel like I haven’t heard silence in such a long time
Is this the first time I’ve stopped talking in like two years
Am I talking to fill the void of the great big empty
Am I always like (blah blah blah) so I don’t have to face my fears

Do I really need a dick in my mouth stop talking?
Don’t I ever shut the fuck up?
God, I’m so sick of myself
I need to talk to my therapist about why I talk so much
Am I scared of silence-

Yes he’s coming
Woah he’s coming

Sad montage, sad montage
It’s a really sad montage
Because I feel so sad

Looking out the window feeling sad
Looking in the mirror, what have I become?
Ooh ooh

Walking down the street still feeling sad
Look at all those other people having fun
Ohh Oooh

In this, sad montage, sad montage,
This is still a sad montage
Because I feel so sad

Dead puppies
Sad kid dropped his iPhone
Jerry Orbach
Making me feel so sad

I feel even sadder than I did before
Sadder than I was when this montage started
Ooh ooh

Native American History
Other people finding true love
Wishing I could write a show like Girls
Making me feel so sad

Sad montage, getting quieter
Sad montage
Fading out the sad montage
Can barely hear the...

VERSE 1:
We are partners, we are a team
Together we’ll have everything we dream
If we combine our efforts there’s nothing we can’t do
You’ll support me, but first I’ll support you

For now we’ll go after the things that you need
A single objective to help you succeed
Because I’m as important to you as you are to me
I’ll get what I need eventually

CHORUS 1:

But you go first
And I’ll take the rest
And it will all work out for the best

VERSE 2:

I have patience because I understand you
And can wait to do all of the things that I planned to
But what is that elusive thing you’ll earn
That makes you finally realize it’s my turn

Am I fooling myself that we’re really united
The love is there but the respect unrequited
I am your anchor, do I just hold you in place
The eye of your storm, am I just empty space

CHORUS 2:

But you go first
And I’ll take the rest
And it will all work out for the best

BRIDGE:
You know an object at rest stays at rest
You can’t have inertia with things unexpressed
By the time I knew politeness
Was the opposite of brilliance

I’d spent my resources
And lost my resilience
Without me you pick up where you left off
Without you I’m back where I started

CHORUS 1:

But you go first
And I’ll take the rest
And it will all work out for the best

VERSE 3:
I know you didn’t consciously deceive
And neither did I when I chose to believe
But now I am stuck in a place I can’t leave
While I watch you achieve and achieve and achieve

I guess maybe I knew how much you would cost
That when I said yes that I’d already lost
But now I’m so tired and not sure how to pursue it
And I don’t have a partner like me to help me do it

VERSE 1:

Just after the storm breaks
With the perfect amount of light
You can catch a glimpse of magic
If the timing is right

Rainbows are improbable
Beautiful and rare
But so are you and so is this
The love that we share

Too vast to hold and
Too small to name
It’s no wonder why
You have to stand between the rain and the sun
To see a rainbow in the sky

All the things that had to go right
All the things that had to go wrong
That led us to place where we were going all along

CHORUS 1:

Right now they fall away
Right now it’s just us two
Right now we make a promise
If you do, then I do too

VERSE 2:

Don’t know how we found it
But we did somehow
All the moments of our lives
Were leading up to now

I used to feel uncertain
But now I realize
When I want to see my future
I just look into your eyes

Too vast to hold and
Too small to name
It’s no wonder why
You have to stand between the rain and the sun
To see a rainbow in the sky

All the things that make you you
All the things that make me me
That led us to place where we were always meant to be

CHORUS 2:

Right now they fall away
Right now it’s just us two
Right now we make a promise
If you do, then I do too

BRIDGE:

A rainbow doesn’t choose to be a rainbow, it just shines in the sky
And there’s nothing to debate, and there’s nothing to deny
Love might be a priveledge but marriage is a right
So to all of you detractors who don’t know you lost the fight
To all of you in darkness we’re here turning on the light
Now I stand with you for the world to see
My love my dreams and me, my love my dreams and me

CHORUS 3:

Right now they fall away
Right now it’s just us two
Right now we make a promise
If you do, then I do too

INTRO:
How many words would it take to really say
How much you’ve changed my life in every single way
You make the good stuff better and the bad stuff too yeah
My life is better cause I get to do it with you

VERSE 1:

If we’re eating dinner, I’ll chew it with you
If we’re in line in England, I’ll queue it with you
If we’re watching Green Card, I’ll Depardieu it with you yeah
My life is better cause I get to do it with you

If we’ve been there before, I’ll déjà vu it with you
If our honor’s is besmirched, I’ll Kung Fu it with you
If we meet Droid, I’ll R2D2 it with you yeah
My life is better cause I get to do it with you

CHORUS 1:

I choose you, I choose forever and I know we can make it
I’m giving you my heart and I want you to take it yeah

VERSE 2:

If we learn the Art of War, I’ll Sun Tzu it with you
If we want to dance, I’ll pax de deux it with you
If we get betrayed by Brutus, I’ll et tu it with you
My life is better cause I get to do it with you

If we’re reading Shakespeare, I’ll hitherto it with you
If we write Japanese poems, I’ll haiku it with you
If we’re like Richard Marx I’ll be right here waiting for you yeah
My life is better cause I get to do it with you

CHORUS 2:

I choose you, I choose forever and I know we can make it
I’m giving you my heart and I want you to take it yeah

CODA:

Every dream I have is sweeter cause I pursue it with you
If times get tough, I’ll pull through it with you
And when I remember how lucky I am, I will thank you it for you
My life is better cause I get to do it
My life is better cause I get to do it with you

You, yeah you, you're really cool
You can be anything you wanna be
Time to fly, I'm talking to you
No habla Espanola si
Move forward, stand your ground
Hang in there while you're doing it
And sail away into the sunset, baby

Dream your dreams into the sky
Oh yeah, you've really got it yeah
Now you've really got it, yeah
Hey, you've really got it, yeah
Don't stop being cool

Get on my go kart, strap myself in
Rev up the engine, let the fun begin
Put my foot on the gas and I'm outta the gate
But the faster I go, the more the metal vibrates

My body's tingling from my head to my toes
But the thing that's really buzzing, I hope nobody knows
'Cause I'm feeling kinda funny in a biblical way
God damn, it's shaking hard on my Georgia O'Keeffe bouquet

I never guessed this trembling machine would
Turn the motor on under my hood

Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
Go kart racing, mechanical self-fornicating
Go kart racing, no stopping 'til I cross the finish line

Shifting gears, I can feel my heart throb
Hope nobody notices I'm getting a lube job
Don't need no gentleman to start my engine
'Cause I can even feel a little rear suspension

Trying to cover up my scandal like I'm Goldman Sachs
But shit is getting real on this indoor track
I'm about to go blind and I feel like a creep
'Cause it's pressing on my horn like beep beep beep

Now my driving is getting erratic
'Cause this transmission is automatic

Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
Go kart racing, mechanical self-fornicating
Go kart racing, no stopping 'til I cross the finish line

If the fruit is ripe, you might as well pluck it
Was gonna slow down, but then I thought fuck it
No one look at me, 'cause this is it
Green flag, go, go, holy shit

Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
Go kart racing, mechanical self-fornicating
Go kart racing, no stopping 'til I cross the finish line
Key change, key change

Go kart racing, accidentally masturbating
Go kart racing, mechanical self-fornicating
Go kart racing, no stopping 'til I cross the finish line

Hallelujah, Amen

You say hello
And I say hello back
You say it's nice
To see me again, crap
This conversation just keeps going
Wanna get through this without you knowing
You can see it in my eyes
My calculating bullshit lies
You look at me so appalled
'Cause I don't recognize you at all

Now am I an asshole or are you just boring?
'Cause one of these two things must be true
Am I self-absorbed, preoccupied and shockingly cunty
Or is there just nothing memorable about you?

Well even if I'm arrogant and totally suck
I'm still betting on the latter 'cause you're bland as fuck

I don't know who you are
I don't have a freaking clue
So get a catch phrase, get an accent
Fuck your face up with a tattoo
Okay so fine, so now you know that
I don't know, so now you know that
I don't know, so there you go
You don't even look a little familiar to me
And I blame you
I blame you

I'm willing to bet
This happens to you a lot
This can't be the first
Blank stare that you've got
You're a sand-filled desert without a mirage
You're a Honda Accord in a parking garage
You're camouflage on camouflage
You're a dumb white guy on Entourage
You've chosen no form of expression
Yet expect to make an impression

Now am I a shithead or are you just bleh?
Hey, I think that question is pretty fair
Now you're looking at me like I just drop-kicked a baby
But I won't remember you anyway, so I don't care

You're overwhelming averageness is such a drag
So fix the situation or wear a name tag

I don't know who you are
Not even a little bit
So carry nun chucks, adopt a black kid
To make people give a shit
Okay so fine, so now you know that
I don't know, so there you go
You don't even look a little familiar to me
And I blame you
I blame you
I blame you
I blame you
And I blame you

Hand job, bland job, I-don't-understand job

I got a problem and I can't contain it
I'll use my icky-sticky rhymes to help me explain it
Handy jays are line Stonehenge to me
Robert Stack can't even unsolve this mystery

I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer
I was in the gifted class, but a total late bloomer
Now I got a secret to get off my chest
Went from kissing to sex but never learned the rest

In high school, I was in the marching band
Not learning what to do with my hand
While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock
I blossomed later than Miyam Bialick

I'm investigating bones like Deschanel
Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chapelle
When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick
I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick

I sutdied Back, Jacques Chirac, and Issac Asimov
But I wasn't on the ski bus jerking people off
Would let you touch my chest like you're Vapor Rubbin' Vicks in
Let alone deep throat your tricky Dick Nixon

I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow
I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know
How to H J your L.B. Johnson
Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson

I should've explored new frontiers like Wil Wheaton
But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton
I've fallen into crisis just like the Dow
I wanna give a handjob but I don't know how

Hand job, bland job, I-don't-understand job
Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top
How can I learn when you always make me stop?

Now I'm on a full-blown investigation
To unlock the secrets of ejaculation
I need a translator like I'm reading Balzac
To crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack

The top is the part that confuses me the most
It looks like a Silly Putty Pac Man ghost
Sometimes it's Jell-o jiggling, sometimes it's denser
But they all like like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser

Like Sam Jackson, I'm not as good with shaft
When it's soft and flabby like President Taft
It's like a deep south queen that you wanna make straight
Will I make it upright if I move it like a Shake Weight?
Move it like a Shake Weight, move it like a Shake Weight

Now I'm pumping like brakes that aren't anti-lock
Trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock
I go a little faster and then I retard
It's like a hamster that you don't wanna squeeze hard

I'm working my hand 'til it gets arthritis
I'll be holdin' 'til I get the golden touch of Midas
"I think. Therefore, I am," getting my Descartes on
'Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on

But the biggest, throbbing question of all's
Seriously, what do you do with the balls?
Do I roll 'em like dice? Do I mold 'em like clay?
Do I tickle 'em like Elmo or throw 'em like a partay?

Do I move 'em all around or cup it slow?
They're the two bald critic puppets from the Muppet show
Just sitting there cranky and superfluous
How 'bout I don't touch them unless you insist

Hand job, bland job, I-don't-understand job
Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top
How can I learn when you always make me stop?

How can I learn when you always make me stop?

Everyone knows these times are really tough
And we need to band together and say we've had enough
All the jobless people need to learn to be content
'Cause what we need to do is protect our one percent

Save the rich, let them know you care
Don't leave them to languish in their penthouse of despair
Save the rich, let their bonuses be swollen
And let them keep it all tax free, even if it's stolen
Save the rich

Let's give our job creators more than their fair share
So they can go to Asia and create jobs over there
There's loopholes and exemptions and children to exploit
So give them special tax breaks, go fuck yourself, Detroit

And those who don't create jobs really need help too
'Cause without their seventh home, how will they make it through?
It's not time for complaining, Not the time for class war
It's time to sacrifice yourself to give them more and more and more and more and more and more

Save the rich, America's built on corporate green
It's not Wall Street's fault if you can't get what you need
Save the rich, don't go crying to Mommy
'Cause if you don't agree, then you're a socialist commie
Save the rich

Blame yourself for your problems,
Not the bad economy
So what if those who have the most are the
Ones who put it in jeopardy?
Fuck your student loans
Fuck your kids and their health care
It'll only take ten thousand of your jobs to
Put another private jet in the air

Save the rich, it's so easy to do
Just let yourself be ignorant to what's been done to you
Save the rich by doing nothing at all
Deny all sense and logic and just think really small
You should think really small, or just don't think at all
And save the rich

Where do I look when someone's serenading me?
I look 'em in the eyes and it feels really awkward
Am I supposed to stare at him the entire song?
If I look away, will he know I'm bored?

Can't he just look beyond the horizon
Like a cowboy in a Folgers commercial
Or close his eyes like he's feeling real deep
So I can close my eyes like I'm going to sleep

Hey girl, hey girl, hey girl in the moonlight

Why doesn't he break eye contact?
Doesn't he feel stupid singing at me like that?
He plays guitar as well as me
And that's not saying much
He sings like he's in nineteen eighty three
Like Richard Marx, but tough

Hey girl, hey girl, hey girl in the moonlight, everybody
Hey girl, hey girl, hey girl in the moonlight

Where do I look when someone's serenading me?
I look 'em in the eyes and it feels really awkward
Hey girl in the moonlight

One, two, three
I fucking hate you, you fucking liar

You gotta get up in the morning
No matter what happened last night
He ripped your heart out without warning
But there's only one thing to do
No matter what you're going through

Get up out of bed
Right foot, left foot moving
Get out of your head
Soon, you'll be improving

You'd see the sun outside is shining
If you would only open up your eyes
Haven't you heard of the silver lining?
And if he never felt that way
Why would you want him to stay?

Uh one, uh two, uh three, four, five, six!
Remember the time we went out to dinner,
you and I alone,
we ate some french fries

Let's do it again

Remember the time we went to the movies,
laughed so hard we cried,
then we ate more french fries

Let's do it again

'Cause I really like you as a friend
But there are things I can't pretend
Know I could love you 'til the end
But there is just one problem, problem, problem
(there's a bigger problem, problem, problem)

I would never have sex with you
Believe me, you'd know it if I wanted to
already would have shown my boobs to you
(already would have gone down on you)
But that will never happen

Remember the time we stayed up all night talking,
let our secrets out until the sunshine
Let's do it again

Remember the time we went to Dave and Busters,
Dance Dance Revolutioned 'til we won a keychain
Let's do it again

This shouldn't come as a surprise
You should have seen it in my eyes
I kinda like some other guys

But No amount of alcohol could change my mind at all
Our lips will never touch,
so kiss that thought good bye
'cause I would never have sex with you

Believe me, you'd know it if I wanted to
I already would have held hands with you,
but that will never happen

The sky isn't blue and the ocean's not grand
And string theory's easy to understand
The grass isn't green and the sun isn't bright
Healthcare will be resolved over night
The world isn't round and the Buddha's not Zen
And we both have really good taste in men
And there really is a Black Forest Land
Where everyone gets all their ham
And I swear, I fucking swear I didn't Google you

Okay, I did - I admit it. It was so easy to do
Seven thousand eight results and I know everything about you
You're not a sex offender, but you failed home ec in 1997
It really isn't that weird, come on we're all adults here

Everybody Googles each other
Everybody does their Facebook research
It's how we get to know one another
To make sure that we don't get raped

I don't have any mental disorder
And I don't spend my weekends watching Law and Order
It takes forever to get in my pants
This old-fashioned girl likes romance
I am not fearful of being alone
And Zach Morris had a really small phone
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring
Cell phones in the eighties
And I swear, shit fucking swear I didn't Google you

Okay, I did - I admit it, and I know that you Googled me too
How else would you have know that my dog contracted herpes
Sing it again 'cause this melody feels really good to sing
Stop pretending it's taboo like masturbation in the fifties

Everybody Googles each other
Everybody does their Facebook research
It's how we get to know one another
To make sure that you're not in porn

I do not mean to be jealous already
But who is that girl in those pictures, she's pretty
I think you may have dated her
Or maybe she's your lesbi-friend
I see that you got really drunk on your birthday
Was it sadness related or were you just thirsty?
I do not mean to make judgements now
But if we date, some things will have to change

Everybody Googles each other
Everybody does their Facebook research
It's how we get to know one another
To make sure that you don't have cats

Remember the time we were in biology class
We had to grow a plant
To learn photosynthesis
Let's do it again
Remember to time we learned C H N H H
C double O O H R
Or a Carbohydrates
Dissolves faster than a lipase

'Cause I really like to learn about science
And I think killing frogs is fine
But my lab teacher crossed the line
When he gave us all sheep's eyeballs

I would never dissect a ewe
Believe me, I'd slice it if I wanted to
I already would have ripped its face in two
But that will never happen

Remember the time we saw the nitrogen cycle
A study of root nodules
In legumes
With or without rhizobium
Remember the time we studied homologous chromosomes
DNA replication
Led to mitosis and meiosis
Followed by a division of a cytoplasm

'Cause I really like to learn about science
We opened up that pregnant cat
And the fetal pig was cooler than that
But some things are disgusting

I would never dissect a ewe
Believe me, I'd incise it if I wanted to
I already would've turned its hooves to glue (you woulda liked it!)
But that will never happen

No amount of alcohol
Would sterilize it all
When I was five, I went to a petting zoo
And that sheep face will haunt me (sheep ghost) ('cause)

I would never dissect a ewe
Believe me, I'd slice it if I wanted to
I already would have

Punched it in the face then (Looked at in a jar like I was)
Asphyxiated it with its own (In the movie Fast Times at)
Intestines and hung it from a (Ridgemont High then I'd throw)
Basketball hoop to drain it (Up because my character's)
(Had an abortion)

But that will never happen

I work 'til my kitchen is spotless
In hopes that my mind will be thoughtless
I put everything in its rightful place
It's true, my apartment's very clean without you

Got an extra key to my door now
Your underwear's not on my floor now
No more Hendrick's or beer or cigarette butts
It's true, my apartment's very clean without you

There are children starving in Africa
Genocide in Darfur
But the thing that really makes me sad
Is your toothbrush is not in my drawer
Yes, it's true
My apartment's very clean without you

I sweep away the mess with my mop and broom
No sound of sports from the other room
I found "The Last Boy Scout" and threw it away
It's true, my apartment's very clean without you

I can stay up all hours and write now
No snoring keeping me up at night now
No alarm to wake me at six A.M.
It's true, but my new bed feels too big without you

The economy's crumbling around us
And the whole world's getting too hot
But the thing that really makes me sad
Is the pair of socks you forgot
Yes, it's true
My apartment's way too clean without you

My couch is just a couch
My room is just a room
My home is just a house
Without you

Hey, wake up, your time is now
You'll miss it if you wait too long
Name your dream, say it out loud
Shout it and tell the world what's going on
If you can't, just say it inside
And someday that whisper will be amplified

Take what's yours, it's only for you
But you have to do it on your own
The only thing harder than living your dreams
Is knowing you're living without them

Get on course, do it yourself
It's better if you do it, yeah
So you better do it, yeah
Yeah, you better do it yeah
Go live your dream

Candlelight and moonlight all around us
I look into your eyes
You hold my hand underneath the table
And I can’t disguise the way I feel

I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
For this night I can’t believe
That it’s finally me and you and you and me
Just us, and your friend Steve

Dododododo Steve Dodododoo leave
What’s the deal with your friend Steve
Oh hey, how's it going

You took me out for waffles and to the movies
I was hoping for romance
You even took me to the Mexican circus
I thought there was a chance we’d be alone

I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
For Steve to disappear
What the fuck's your fucking problem
Why’s he always here

Dododododo Steve Dododododo go away
What’s the deal with your friend Steve
Oh hey, how's it going

It’s not that I don’t like your friend
But how many hours with him can you spend and
It’s not that I don’t think he’s great
But its only you, only you, I wanna felate

Are you gay for Steve I think you may be
And that would be alright
But let a bitch know just what your steez is
So I know if I should shave tonight

I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
'Cause I like to be with you
But if it’s always me and you and your friend Steve
There’s nothing I can

Dododododo Steve Dododododo
Why don't you just go be with your best friend
And boyfriend Steve

Everyone knows marijuana’s dangerous
And medical pot is really strong
That’s why it's so hard in California
To get your weed card
Unless something’s really wrong

Gonna pay a visit to my doctor
It’s a long shot but I gotta try
She hands me a list of all the ailments
I can have to qualify
Can’t believe what I am reading
This is just what I’ve been needing
A government supply
To get legally high

Weed card, that’s what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But it’s not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

You can get your card for having headaches, bad dreams or anxiety
Propensity for drugs or alcohol,
Anorexia or obesity
Too fat, too thin, either way you win
Carpal tunnel syndrome, color blindness,
St-st-stuttering, t-t-tooth decay
Fatigue, depression, motion sickness,
Impotence or TMJ
You can smoke to quit cigarettes
For asthma or your motherfucking Tourette’s
It’s a dream come true
There’s nothing pot can’t do

Weed card, that’s what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But it’s not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

Got back pain need Mary Jane
Can’t handle this, need cannabis
Got a stomach ache, gotta wake and bake
Have an injury, need THC
Get fucked up for your Hyperhidrosis
Which is sweaty palms in case you need a diagnosis
It’s not a crime, it’s 4:20 time

Weed card, that’s what I need
Hardly ever, okay, always
But it’s not an addiction
'Cause my doctor gave me a prescription

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they’re pregnant

F-ing son of a gun
You think you’re so deep now
You give me the creeps now
That you’re pregnant

I can’t count all the ways how
You speak in clichés now

Riki: So, do you want a boy or a girl?
Kate: Oh, it doesn't matter, as long as it's healthy.
Riki: Really? Because I don't feel like those two things are related at all. It's not like one or the other-
Kate: No, no, no, no as long as it's healthy... hmmmm….

I can’t wait to hear someone say
Don’t care if it’s brain dead
Don’t care if it’s limbless
If it has a penis

'Cause pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they’re pregnant

This zen world you’re enjoying
Makes you really annoying

Riki: So, is it a boy or a girl?
Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
Riki: What are you gonna name it?
Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
Riki: Who's the father?
Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.

Bitch, I don’t really care
I was being polite now
Since you have no life now
That you’re pregnant

You say you’re walking on air
You think that you’re glowing
But you had been ho-ing
And now you’re pregnant

You’re just giving birth now
You’re not Mother Earth now

Riki: Yeah, I have a lot going on: I got my degree, I moved, I wrote a novel-
Kate: Gosh, everything just seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.
Riki: I also built a nuclear fusion reactor-
Kate: You know, I can't even remember what I did before I was pregnant, everything just seemed so meaningless… Mmmm…

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they’re pregnant

F-ing son of a gun
You think you’re so deep now
You give me the creeps now
Now that you’re pregnant

Got a man, call him my boyfriend
Think I’m falling in love
The only man that gives me the things
That I am worthy of

Hugs me and holds me, kisses me softly
Calls me back right away
Communicates his feelings to me
And cares what I have to say

He says, "Baby I love you, baby I need you,
Never gonna let you go"
Writes me love notes, takes me shopping
And to Broadway shows

Talk to him like he is a girlfriend
Slumber party every night
Never been so happy before
He’s almost Mr. Right

But I think he’s hot and I think he’s sweet
And I think he’s gay and I think he’s neat
Okay okay said my boyfriend’s gay
But what does it matter anyway
He hasn’t come out of the closet yet
'Til then I’ll take all I can get

He doesn’t think I know but I know
I know I’ve always known
He doesn’t think it shows but it shows
For sure it’s always shown
You might think it’s a little sad
But he’s the best lover that I’ve ever had

At night when we’re lying in bed he’s not hard
It’s okay 'cause he gives me head
Like my mom always said, "It takes more
Than a pound to be good in bed"
You don’t know the meaning of rock your world
'Til you’ve been with a guy who thinks like girl

He lies and says that he’s on meds
That’s why he’s never stiff
When I ask if he’s not into me
He always says, “As if!”

But the way he makes up for shortcomings
Just could not be finer
'Cause my new best friend is his tongue
And his is my vagina

He reappears from under the covers
Lookin' like he’s been to war
He’s drenched in sweat he catches his breath
Then he heads back down for more

Afterwards he’s never tired
He just wants to talk
And cuddle me until I sleep
Then he takes his dog for a walk

Someday he’ll come out and I’ll be happy for him when he does
But I know I’ll be sad and I'll be thinking of what was
Someday this fairy tale will come to an end
'Cause his fairy tail will find a like-minded friend

He doesn’t think I know but I know
I know I’ve always known
He doesn’t think it shows but it shows
For sure it’s always shown
You don’t need no penetration
When you got a good dose of overcompensation

At night when we’re lying in bed he’s not hard
It’s okay 'cause he gives me head
Like my mom always said, "It takes more
Than a pound to be good in bed"
You don’t know the meaning of slot machine
'Til you’ve been with a king who thinks like a queen

I know it's not forever but that's okay
'Cause I'm his girlfriend, and he's my gay

I’ve got too many questions in my mind
And I’ve got too many answers to find

Can I give up all I’ve imagined?
Am I imagical enough for this to happen?

Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you

Can I be the man you’re looking for?
Can I be your girl forever more?

I’ll try real hard not to lose her
I’ll try to be less of a loser

Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you… fuck you

(flute solo)

Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
Sure as the stars above I’d really like to

Riki: Kiss you, squeeze you, kiss you, rip you, kiss you, rape you, kiss you, fist you
Kate: Hold you, kiss you, jack you, kiss you, rim you, kiss you, kill you, kiss you

Fuck you

Pat Robertson once said
It’s a long downward slide
That'll lead to legalizing sex with ducks
If two men can stand, side by side

God, I hope he’s right
'Cause if gay marriage becomes lawful
Gonna find myself a duck
And legally do something awful

Ducks, sex with ducks
We’ll do it in the rain
Ducks, yeah, ducks
Got those webbed feet on my brain

We’ll find a pond, we’ll find a puddle
Put your beak in mine and we’ll cuddle
It’s a feeling I can’t name
When sex with ducks and gay marriage are one in the same

Gonna goose that goose, gonna quack that swan
Gonna rubber my ducky, all night long
Gonna wack that mallard 'til it’s feathers plume
Gonna Huey Dewey Louie all over the room

Scrooge McDuck gonna give it you
Dive into your gold until you say Duck Tales, woo hoo

Ducks, sex with ducks
We’ll do it in the rain
Ducks, yeah, ducks
Those feathered bodies are insane

We’ll find a pond, we’ll find a puddle
I’ll be the wind beneath your wings and we’ll cuddle
It’s a feeling I can’t name
When sex with ducks and gay marriage are one in the same

We roll into the bar 'cause that’s how we do
Garfunkel, Oates and the rest of the crew
Give a dollar to my homegirl and watch that bitch go she
Hits up the jukebox and puts on Jim Croce
Operator, can you help me place this call?

We’re laughing and talking and the drinks are flowing
And I’m the liking the direction this night is going
But then I look up and something has changed
Everyone around us looks fucking deranged

I look to my left, I look to my right
Nothing but Von Dutch hats in sight
With super tight abs and super tan skin
I swear this ain’t the club that I walked in

The techno music starts to play
And the room smells like Axe Body Spray
I’m like Golda Meir with no gold in my ear
Please tell me what the hell happened here

Yo it ain’t pretty but you know it’s the truth
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin' douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

Guess I can’t beat 'em so I’m gonna join ‘em
Need some douche phrases and I’m gonna coin ‘em
Put my bluetooth in and I’m on my way
Gonna be a motherfuckin' douchebag today

Gonna groom my beard like a Bonsai tree
Wax off my chest like Mr. Miyagi
Got a Chinese tat, don’t know what it means
But it makes me look deep to girls in their teens

Don’t need sleeves on my shirt, just rip ‘em off
And leave ‘em exposed like Bernie Madoff
Fake tan so brown you can call me Foxy
Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops Oxy

Got more chains than Mr. T
And I pity the fuckwad who messes with me
Cause I’m doin’ roids ‘til my balls get teeny
Like Dennis Quaid in Innerspace, up inside the weenie

Gettin’ crunk on brewskis with my broskis
Cooler than Ice Cube wearing snow skis
Sweeter than the life of Zack and Cody
Higher than the voice of Truman Capote

Yeah I’ll drop a G for this bottle of Goose
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin’ douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

We’re an Army in the Night like Norman Mailer
And it’s time to be a tool like my name is Tim Taylor
I’m a VIP 'cause my table said so
I’ma use some Rufees 'cause the skank said, "No!"

I like my hair like I like my girl’s drink
Spiked as fuck

Did my last keg stand like General Custer
And I’m assessin’ the damage like a claims adjuster
I ain’t your daddy but I’ll call you son
Yeah I get metaphysical like fuckin' John Donne

I’m holdin’ up the beats like I was Lloyd Dobbler
Girls are on the dance floor shakin’ their cobbler
I’m Cool like LL, Fly like Jeff Goldblum
And I’m gonna find the biggest ho in this room

Girl’s wax is Brazilian, her manicure’s French
Jean Nate is her signature stench
She got rocks on her fingers and beneath her areolas
Her garden’s more savage then ch ch cherry colas

Her heels are as clear as my intentions to bang her
Hope she’s birth controlled like Margaret Sanger
Gonna Boner Stabbone her, Mike Seaver her beaver
Take her gold for cash then motherfuckin' leave her

I ain’t in love with you cousin I ain’t George Michael Bluth
This party just took a turn for the douche

For the douche, for the douche
For the motherfuckin’ douche
Thought it was a perfect party
Now it’s just a lot of Ed Hardy
This party just took a turn for the douche

I never do this ever
It’s not what shy girls do
But something in your eyes
Drew me closer to you

Do you feel that spark between us
Sometimes you can just tell
I feel our two souls touching
Like I know you really well
Really well, really well, really well

This might be strange to tell you
And I swear I’m not a whore
But there are 206 bones in my body
And I’d really like one more
One more, one more, one more

You're like Tweety Bird
Come look at my Puddy Tat
You’re like a parking ticket so fine
Jean Claude Van Damn you’re sexy
Let’s get horizontal and combine

Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
Oh baby you’re so hot
Come on give me all you got hey
Oh baby you're so rad
Come on let's do something bad hey

Your thighs are Thanksgiving
Your stomach's Christmas
Gonna visit in between the holidays
Energizer bunny keeps going and going
We’ve struck up a match and I set you ablaze

Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
Oh baby you’re so cute
Get into your birthday suit hey
Oh baby you're so sexy
Come on over and undrex me hey

Shoot would you look the time
Gotta go, this has been fun, hey
Lots to do in the morning
Gotta help my friend move
Gotta do my taxes
Gotta check my email
Plus it’s Arbor Day, hey
Where the hell did I put my bra, oh hey

Wait what, you think we’re dating
However could that be
'Cause we just had sex
And it meant nothing (at all) to me
To me, to me, to me

And also hello
How could we be dating if we never held hands
We held onto the bedpost but we never held hands
You got inside my body, but you didn’t reach my heart
We raced right to the finish but I guess we missed the start
There’s no way we were dating cause we never held hands

How could we be dating if you never took me out, ooh
No whisper of sweet nothings
You just made me scream and shout, ooh
There was no love ambition but you taught me new positions on the way
The Rosa Parks, the Corn Beef Hash, the Moon Landing

You may know my body,
You don’t know my soul
You want the donut
But all you’re gonna get is the hole

Listen babe I’d call you
And probably real soon
But I lost my cell
And I’ll be out of town ‘til June

I guess I didn’t mention
My band’s going on tour
So I’ll be super busy
Otherwise we’d date for sure
Cause it was… so great

You’re so much younger than me
And you’re so pretty
I can’t believe you call me every day
Now I’m waiting, for you to realize
Someone better for you is bound to come your way

But I’m adoring every moment with you
And ignoring our expiration date
And I want you to do anything you ever wanted to to me now
Before it’s too late

Tonight, of all the places to rest
I like your arms the best
And I know when we’re through
I’m really gonna miss you

You say, "You’re funny, I mean really
And I don’t know if I want a girl like you"
You say, "I want you to shop at American Apparel"
But isn’t it apparent that I’m not 22

I think you’re funny, that you’d tell me that
You’re so honest, god you’re such a sexy mess
And I can’t be around you when you have your clothes on
So please let's stop talking I’ll help you undress

Tonight, of all the places to rest
I like your arms the best
And I know when we’re through
I’m really gonna miss you

For once, I can be here
Not thinking about where we’re going
I’ll just lay in your big warm bed
And laugh at your jokes
And take comfort in not knowing

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they’re pregnant

F-ing son of a gun
You think you’re so deep now
You give me the creeps now
That you’re pregnant

I can’t count all the ways how
You speak in clichés now

Riki: So, do you want a boy or a girl?
Kate: Oh, it doesn't matter, as long as it's healthy.
Riki: Really? Because I don't feel like those two things are related at all. It's not like one or the other-
Kate: No, no, no, no as long as it's healthy... hmmmm….

I can’t wait to hear someone say
Don’t care if it’s brain dead
Don’t care if it’s limbless
If it has a penis

'Cause pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they’re pregnant

This zen world you’re enjoying
Makes you really annoying

Riki: So, is it a boy or a girl?
Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
Riki: What are you gonna name it?
Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.
Riki: Who's the father?
Kate: Oh, we know but we're not telling.

Bitch, I don’t really care
I was being polite now
Since you have no life now
That you’re pregnant

You say you’re walking on air
You think that you’re glowing
But you had been ho-ing
And now you’re pregnant

You’re just giving birth now
You’re not Mother Earth now

Riki: Yeah, I have a lot going on: I got my degree, I moved, I wrote a novel-
Kate: Gosh, everything just seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.
Riki: I also built a nuclear fusion reactor-
Kate: You know, I can't even remember what I did before I was pregnant, everything just seemed so meaningless… Mmmm…

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they’re pregnant

F-ing son of a gun
You think you’re so deep now
You give me the creeps now
Now that you’re pregnant

Uh one, uh two, uh three, four, five, six!
Remember the time we went out to dinner,
you and I alone,
we ate some french fries

Let's do it again

Remember the time we went to the movies,
laughed so hard we cried,
then we ate more french fries

Let's do it again

'Cause I really like you as a friend
But there are things I can't pretend
Know I could love you 'til the end
But there is just one problem, problem, problem
(there's a bigger problem, problem, problem)

I would never have sex with you
Believe me, you'd know it if I wanted to
already would have shown my boobs to you
(already would have gone down on you)
But that will never happen

Remember the time we stayed up all night talking,
let our secrets out until the sunshine
Let's do it again

Remember the time we went to Dave and Busters,
Dance Dance Revolutioned 'til we won a keychain
Let's do it again

This shouldn't come as a surprise
You should have seen it in my eyes
I kinda like some other guys

But No amount of alcohol could change my mind at all
Our lips will never touch,
so kiss that thought good bye
'cause I would never have sex with you

Believe me, you'd know it if I wanted to
I already would have held hands with you,
but that will never happen

Candlelight and moonlight all around us
I look into your eyes
You hold my hand underneath the table
And I can’t disguise the way I feel

I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
For this night I can’t believe
That it’s finally me and you and you and me
Just us, and your friend Steve

Dododododo Steve Dodododoo leave
What’s the deal with your friend Steve
Oh hey, how's it going

You took me out for waffles and to the movies
I was hoping for romance
You even took me to the Mexican circus
I thought there was a chance we’d be alone

I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
For Steve to disappear
What the fuck's your fucking problem
Why’s he always here

Dododododo Steve Dododododo go away
What’s the deal with your friend Steve
Oh hey, how's it going

It’s not that I don’t like your friend
But how many hours with him can you spend and
It’s not that I don’t think he’s great
But its only you, only you, I wanna felate

Are you gay for Steve I think you may be
And that would be alright
But let a bitch know just what your steez is
So I know if I should shave tonight

I could’ve wished a thousand wishes
'Cause I like to be with you
But if it’s always me and you and your friend Steve
There’s nothing I can

Dododododo Steve Dododododo
Why don't you just go be with your best friend
And boyfriend Steve

I’ve got too many questions in my mind
And I’ve got too many answers to find

Can I give up all I’ve imagined?
Am I imagical enough for this to happen?

Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you

Can I be the man you’re looking for?
Can I be your girl forever more?

I’ll try real hard not to lose her
I’ll try to be less of a loser

Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
Sure as the stars above I’d really like to kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you, kiss you/fuck you… fuck you

(flute solo)

Because I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you
And like can lead to like like, and like like can lead to love
Sure as the stars above I’d really like to

Riki: Kiss you, squeeze you, kiss you, rip you, kiss you, rape you, kiss you, fist you
Kate: Hold you, kiss you, jack you, kiss you, rim you, kiss you, kill you, kiss you

Fuck you

Riki: I used to dream that I would be a bright and shiny star on TV
Kate: Or maybe I would go to college (Riki: Like Harvard) or Devry
Riki: I would live in an apartment
Both: In Paris or in Cincinnati
Kate: I would play my music loud and not apologize

Riki: I used to dream that I would marry
Both: A guy that looked like Charlie Sheen
Kate: And he would have a name like Gary (Riki: Steve) Todd (Both: David)
Riki: I used to think I’d have three kids and they would all look just like me
Kate: And I would force them kids to carry all my groceries

Both: We don’t need no goals, don’t need human connections
Dreams are overrated cause our life’s already perfection
Now I know all that is true
Cause All I really want is you and you and only you
Me, you, me, you

Riki: I used to dream that I would have a best friend named Michelle
Kate: And we would braid some friendship bracelets
Both: And we would tell all of those other fucking cunts to go to hell
Kate: And when we’re 60 we’d get facelifts like Joan Rivers (Riki: Like Burt Reynolds)

Riki: I used to dream I’d have co-workers and we’d stay out til 2 at night
Kate: And I would have a perfect body (Riki: You do) I know
Riki: I used to think that I’d have sex at some point in my adult life
Kate: And I was sure it would be naughty (Riki: Like that scene from Top Gun) Take my breath away

Both: We don’t need no goals, don’t need human connections
Dreams are overrated cause our life’s already perfection
Now I know all that is true
Cause All I really want is you and you and only you
Me, you, me, you, you

I never do this ever
It’s not what shy girls do
But something in your eyes
Drew me closer to you

Do you feel that spark between us
Sometimes you can just tell
I feel our two souls touching
Like I know you really well
Really well, really well, really well

This might be strange to tell you
And I swear I’m not a whore
But there are 206 bones in my body
And I’d really like one more
One more, one more, one more

You're like Tweety Bird
Come look at my Puddy Tat
You’re like a parking ticket so fine
Jean Claude Van Damn you’re sexy
Let’s get horizontal and combine

Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
Oh baby you’re so hot
Come on give me all you got hey
Oh baby you're so rad
Come on let's do something bad hey

Your thighs are Thanksgiving
Your stomach's Christmas
Gonna visit in between the holidays
Energizer bunny keeps going and going
We’ve struck up a match and I set you ablaze

Cause you’re fine, you’re so fine
Oh baby you’re so cute
Get into your birthday suit hey
Oh baby you're so sexy
Come on over and undrex me hey

Shoot would you look the time
Gotta go, this has been fun, hey
Lots to do in the morning
Gotta help my friend move
Gotta do my taxes
Gotta check my email
Plus it’s Arbor Day, hey
Where the hell did I put my bra, oh hey

Wait what, you think we’re dating
However could that be
'Cause we just had sex
And it meant nothing (at all) to me
To me, to me, to me

And also hello
How could we be dating if we never held hands
We held onto the bedpost but we never held hands
You got inside my body, but you didn’t reach my heart
We raced right to the finish but I guess we missed the start
There’s no way we were dating cause we never held hands

How could we be dating if you never took me out, ooh
No whisper of sweet nothings
You just made me scream and shout, ooh
There was no love ambition but you taught me new positions on the way
The Rosa Parks, the Corn Beef Hash, the Moon Landing

You may know my body,
You don’t know my soul
You want the donut
But all you’re gonna get is the hole

Listen babe I’d call you
And probably real soon
But I lost my cell
And I’ll be out of town ‘til June

I guess I didn’t mention
My band’s going on tour
So I’ll be super busy
Otherwise we’d date for sure
Cause it was… so great

You gotta get up in the morning
No matter what happened last night
He ripped your heart out without warning
But there's only one thing to do
No matter what you're going through

Get up out of bed
Right foot, left foot moving
Get out of your head
Soon, you'll be improving

You'd see the sun outside is shining
If you would only open up your eyes
Haven't you heard of the silver lining?
And if he never felt that way
Why would you want him to stay?

Kate:
Sit back, you don't have to work so hard
It makes me tired to watch you try
Relax, you already played your cards
And I know which ones are a lie

Riki:
It makes me really sad to see
The things you think you have to be
Just to be enough for me
When you already are

Both:
Why can't you just look at you
In the same way that I do
Through all that's false and all that's true
I like you, as you are

Kate:
I know that you can get sad sometimes
I see it mostly when you smile
Let go of all of your supposed crimes
Just be with me for a while

Riki:
I know this may be hard to hear
But all your tricks are really clear
I see right through your slick veneer
To the secret life you hide

Both:
Why can't you just look at you
In the same way that I do
Through all that's false and all that's true
I like you, as you are
Take me in, believe me when I say
You're more than just okay
You're perfect as you are